RM69.6mil Jackpot Winner Still Saying iPhone X Too Expensive

  PENANG: The winner of a RM69.6mil jackpot, the largest ever in Malaysia’s history has admitted he still can’t bring himself to purchase the iPhone X when it comes out later this year. “Who can justify spending over RM5,000 on a smartphone?” the 40-year-old millionaire said furiously, “For what? An OLED screen, face ID, wireless […]

Govt fights fake news by blasting Bernama updates at Penang

KEDAH:  Heeding Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak’s recent call to fight fake news bent on toppling his democratically-elected government, today Malaysia’s Communications Ministry begun blasting government sanctioned Bernama press releases over loudspeaker across the Melacca Straits. “Penang residents living under the shadow of the DAP state government are susceptible to a constant barrage of false […]

Stolen 1MDB Billions Mustn’t Distract Us From Talking About LGE’s House, Govt Warns

KUALA LUMPUR: Communications and Multimedia Minister Datuk Seri Dr Salleh Said Keruak reminded the press today not to get distracted by the sensational news the US Department Of Justice is seizing USD1Billion of personal assets misappropriated from 1MDB, when they could be publishing juicer news about the price Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng paid […]

Govt Whose Wealth Fund Sent Billions To Wrong Company Concerned How DAP Spends 1Mil

KUALA LUMPUR: Today a BN politician whose leader’s brainchild wealth fund sent US$3.5billion to the wrong British Virgin Islands company, expressed serious concerns how DAP will spend the RM1million in donations collected for Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng’s bail. “Datuk Seri Ti Lian Ker is very worried about what DAP does with it’s money, […]

Guan Eng Unsubscribes From Groupon

GEORGETOWN:  Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng officially ended his relationship with Groupon this morning after hitting the discount website’s ‘unsubscribe’ button. “The CM was tempted to take up several Groupon discount offers including sushi at Queensway Mall, low price car window tinting, and a family studio photoshoot deal before thinking better of it,” confirmed […]

Criminals ordered to run slower as police too overworked to work out

PENANG: Today one of the nation’s estimated 11,000 obese policeman asked crooks flee crime scenes at a slower pace as they were too overworked to be fit enough to pursue them. “Criminals need to respect enforcement authorities by running slower, said Constable Abdullah bin Bakar over his second helping of murtabak and teh tarik, “we […]

Penangites Reassured Despite Budget Funding Snub They Can Still Pay Tax

PENANG: Today Penang residents expressed their disappointment with Budget 2016 after it was revealed the state did not receive any development funding. “Penang is a major economic hub and a major tourist attraction,” said a local resident, “even if its residents have elected a non-BN government, why should it be overlooked?” “The government hasn’t completely […]

Creator of Janji Ditepati Slogan Tells Penang Not To Politicise Merdeka

PUTRAJAYA:   Today the PR consultant behind the government’s 2012 ‘Janji Ditepati’ national day slogan poured cold water on the Penang government’s planned ‘Bersih, Cekap, Amanah’ Merdeka theme. “Think of what this slogan will do to Penang’s impressionable schoolchildren!” said a PR analyst, “we shouldn’t expose youngsters to strange concepts like Clean, Fair and Trustworthy given current events!” “Merdeka has a special […]

Penang Youth Enlisted for Mandatory Hawker Stall Service

Submitted by Fighting for Authentic Flavours Editor, GEORGETOWN:  Today the Penang government announced all 18-year-old men and women will be conscripted to serve six months hawker stall service. This compulsory cooking duty is to protect the state’s delicious hawker fare from the invasion of meddling foreign cooks. “Our arthritic hawker food chefs aren’t getting any […]

Authorities X-ray arrivals at checkpoints following nudity outbreak

Submitted by Naturalist Quarantining Editor, GEORGETOWN:  Health authorities are on high alert this week after an outbreak of illegal nudism was reported on a secluded Penang beach. “We are using high-tech screening devices at all Malaysian entry points to intercept these nudists before they infect others,” said a Health Ministry spokesman.   “Airports have adapted […]

Penang McDonalds restaurants say only Americans can cook Big Macs

Submitted by Racially Profiled Cooking Editor, GEORGETOWN:  Penang McDonalds restaurants released a statement today, saying it would no longer allow Malaysians to cook burgers in its restaurants to protect the cultural authenticity of its American cuisine. “We will be sending covert fast food kitchen inspectors to ensure nobody from Asia cooks Big Macs,” said a […]

Kedah announces plan to build bridge to Thailand

Submitted by Unnecessary Infrastructure Editor, ALOR SETAR:  Proving once again he takes after his father, Kedah Mentri Besar Datuk Mukhriz Mahathir announced an ambitious and expensive development project today, a 48KM bridge linking Alor Setar with the Thai border. “This bridge which will improve the local economy, bring in Thai tourists, and most importantly allow […]