Yemenis Dodging Saudi Airstrikes Laud PM’s Palestine Rally

SAAD PROVINCE: Today Yemeni Muslims caught in the crossfire proxy war between suspected Iran-backed Houthi rebels and the Saudi-backed Yemeni government took time out from the conflict to laud Malaysian political parties Umno and PAS for their commitment to upholding the rights of all suffering Muslims at their Jerusalem rally today in Putrajaya. “Thank God […]

There’s No Compulsion In Beer

KUALA LUMPUR: In the wake of the DBKL decision to cancel the annual Better Beer Festival, experts have reminded authorities there is no compulsion in beer. “When it comes to embracing craft beer, there can be no forcing anyone to spend over RM20 ringgit on a Pilsner, Lager, Pale Ale, Brown Ale, Amber Ale, Stout, […]

High-Tech Train Will Get You To A Medieval Public Flogging In 4 Hours

  KUANTAN: At a special ground breaking ceremony, the government recently unveiled an RM55 billion, state of the art, modern, high-tech East Coast Rail Link (ECRL) which will allow urbanites to attend medieval public floggings after traveling only 4 hours. “This modern rail link will allow KL-ites heading into the 21st century to visit their […]

N. Korea Backs Hadi – Agree Only Nationals Can Investigate Crimes Committed Abroad

  PYONGYANG:  PAS president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang who recently urged foreign powers not to meddle in Malaysia’s 1MDB even if it involved nationals committing crimes in their own foreign countries, found unlikely support today in the form of a mandatory-to-watch 1:00pm special broadcast on North Korean state television. “The Democratic People’s Republic of […]

PAS Calls For Melbourne Airport Alcohol Ban

PETALING JAYA:  Today PAS members called for a complete alcohol ban at all Australian airports after it was revealed the drunk mental patient who tried to ‘blow up’ flight MH128 was already intoxicated when he boarded the plane. “MH128 departed Melbourne airport at 11:11PM Wednesday night with the hijacking attempt concurring at 11:28PM, only minutes […]

UUM lecturer reads Harry Potter, quits job to teach at Hogwarts

PETALING JAYA:  Still reeling after being tested by the Christian Bible stories in Selangor assembly speaker Hannah Yeoh’s book, today lecturer Kamarul Zaman Yusoff  found himself under the influence of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. “Kamarul found like with Hannah Yeoh’s book, Harry Potter contained so many suggestible paragraphs, he started to […]

PAS insists only a Muslim should claim he’s not a public officer

ALOR SETAR:   PAS members reiterated today they would push for amendments to the Malaysian constitution that ensures only a Muslim can lead the country by not being a public officer. “It should be a necessity that only Muslims claim the coveted not a public officer post,” explained PAS member Abdullah Bin Baker, “this ensures the […]

Biawak Screws Kelantan Biawak

KELANTAN: Local reptile researchers witnessed a fascinating display of monitor lizard courtship rituals last night, as an enormous biawak grew tired of the smaller Kelantan biawak carrying it on its shoulder and abruptly decided to screw it. “Some may think the bigger biawak toying with the smaller one before suddenly fucking it was cruel, but […]

Guys pushing hand chop not doing much about tree chop

  GUA MUSANG:   Today the PAS-led Kelantan state government admitted it was too busy selling the idea of limb chop for Muslim thieves to do more to protect their own Temiar Orang Asli currently suffering the effects of tree chop. “Of course PAS is committed to defending the rights of minority groups,” a PAS spokesman […]

Thailand blames Kelantan for its high rate of horny men

THAILAND: Officials from Southern Thailand’s border town, Golok, today blamed its huge drugs and prostitution industry on a constant influx of horny Kelantanese men. “We wouldn’t have a big red light district if our town wasn’t so close to Kota Baru,” explained Thai MP, Horachai Watchaporn, “each week, Golok is flooded with randy repressed men, […]

We’ll Tackle Poverty, Drugs, And Extremism Once We Solve The Serious Problem Of Cinemas, PAS Says

KELANTAN:  Today a source close to Deputy Mentri Besar Datuk Nik Mohd Amar Nik Abdullah said that tackling the critical issue of who sits where in state cinemas and checking what movies people may see, proves PAS is as relevant to Malaysians today as ever. “When Muslims get a substandard education, face rising living costs […]

Cover Up During Ramadan, Kelantan Mufti Tells Thailand

KOTA BARU:  Today the Kelantan Mufti urged Thai women living in towns bordering the state to dress conservatively, as their provocative attire could tempt visiting Muslims. “The Thai town of Golok is only 40 minutes drive from Kota Baru,” explained mufti Faisal Bin Mohamad, “Thai women should learn that by not wearing tudung or dressing […]

PAS launch own smartphone

KUANTAN:   Just days after Umno-branded smartphones made waves at the party AGM this week, PAS today announced their own party branded communications device. “The short message based PASPhone has a better service life than other smartphones on the market though like all phones, PAS phones may occasionally crash!” said Abdullah bin Bakar heading up the […]

PAS: Pakatan can continue as a loveless marriage of convenience

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today PAS Youth said even if DAP and PKR have declared the Pakatan coalition to be over, doesn’t mean it couldn’t still live on as a sad loveless marriage of political convenience. “Just because the romance is over and your marriage has failed, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get divorced!” said a […]

Nation’s glove makers fear hudud will cut revenues by half

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Pah King Ca, CEO of one of Malaysia’s largest glove makers Glove Me Long Time Sdn Bhd hit back at recent claims from PAS President Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang that turning to Islam would save the economy. “We still see strong export potential for latex gloves,” he said in a statement […]

Hadi: ‘Almost Impossible’ To Apply Hudud Punishments Which Is Why They Will Deter Criminals

KUALA LUMPUR: Yesterday, PAS leader Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang tried to explain his party’s keen interest introducing sharia punishments in Kelantan. “People shouldn’t oppose hudud,” Hadi told reporters, “these punishments deter criminals because witness requirements are so strict, they are almost impossible to impose.  We believe harsh punishments that can rarely if ever be […]

PAS Kelantan: We Must Move Forward Into The Past Or Risk Being Left Behind

KOTA BARU:  In a bid to reverse the party’s dissatisfaction with their president, PAS leaders united today, and rode in on camel-back to announce their newest initiative. “Today we join the Abbasid Caliphate (750-1517) as part of our new wawasan 1220 policy!” said a PAS strategist,  “We announced it on our Facebook page which is […]

Floods delaying Hudud a sign from God to introduce it, say PAS

Submitted by Heavenly Policy Endorsement Editor, KUALA LUMPUR:   The son of PAS’s spiritual leader Pasir Mas MP Nik Mohamad Abduh, has confirmed that the worsening Flood disaster that has postponed the introduction of Islamic law in Kelantan, is a certain sign from God to introduce it immediately. “When the floods eventually clear, it will be […]

Hadi tells DAP, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

GOMBAK:  This morning PAS president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang responded to DAP central executive committee members who complained about his absence at crucial Pakatan Rakyat meetings. “How can Pakatan move forward if Hadi doesn’t show up on dates?” said a DAP spokesman, “At least call or text us if you’re not coming.  Standing us […]

Forget poverty eradication, or corruption. Who can drink beer is the nation’s most urgent issue, says Hadi

Submitted by Haram Beverage Consumption Enforcement Editor, SELANGOR:  Today Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang announced that by tackling the nation’s most critically urgent topic – who should and shouldn’t drink beer, PAS was as relevant to Malaysians today as ever. “When Muslims get a substandard education, face rising living costs and poor work prospects, their […]