White House: Trump Summons PM To Bend The Knee

    WASHINGTON: Officials in Putrajaya have confirmed receiving a diplomatic summons by raven last night from the Hand of US President Donald J. Trump of New York, Son of Fred Trump, Builder of Walls, Protector of the Realm, The Impeachable, Breaker of Oaths, King of Tweets, and Mother of Fuckers, for our Prime Minister […]

Tabloids welcome new celebrity couple Donjib

KUALA LUMPER:  Today local gossip tabloids welcomed new celebrity couple ‘Donjib’ after Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak reconnected with old friend and now President-elect, Donald Trump. “The PM was beaming after his telephone conversation with Donald,” a source confirmed, “sometimes when you’re interested in someone, you don’t want to appear too eager, but […]

China Invites Najib’s Cats To Join Family In Beijing

BEIJING:  Today China officials requested Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s family pets be flown over to Beijing this evening to join his wife and sons for the remainder of their week-long official China working visit. “The Chinese government invited the PM and his family as part of the mutual strengthening of ties,” a […]

PM Avoids Mentioning Dr M By Name In Case He’s Like Voldemort

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today in a fiery speech, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Abdul Razak warned a ’91-year-old man’ and ‘past leader’ was trying to topple the government without mentioning the man by name. “The PM has asked his Ministers not to speak of you-know-who out loud as talking about he-who-must-not-be-named might give him powers or […]

Govt Announces Cooking Oil Increase Ahead Of Wonderful People’s Budget

PUTRAJAYA:   Following standard government protocol, news of cooking oil subsidy reductions were leaked early this week, allowing the Prime Minister to announce a raft of measures to help struggling Malaysians through hard times in his upcoming Budget speech. “We can’t have people thinking cooking oil price rises which basically hits anyone eating out or cooking […]

Inspired By PM, Mugabe Launches 1ZDB

PUTRAJAYA:  After a surprise 45-minute meeting with Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak yesterday, President Mugabe announced he was so impressed after learning of the Malaysian leader’s brainchild wealth fund, he would soon launch a Zimbabwean one of his own. “Having a One Zimbabwean Development Board (1ZDB) will be the perfect way to enrich our […]

Pen-Pineapple As Annoying As Pen-PetroSaudi Deal, Malaysians Say

MALAYSIA:  Today Malaysian netizens admitted the annoying Japanese techno song mind worm ‘Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen’ was almost as infuriating as the Prime Minister’s own viral hit ‘pen-1MDB Petrosaudi offshore payment.’ “Like when I think about the stalled 1MDB investigations, every time I see that stupid DJ Piko-Taro, I just want to punch something,” said an enraged netizen, […]

Muhyiddin Likely The Next PM To Disappoint Me, Says Dr M

LONDON:  Today, Tun Dr Mahathir Mohammad confirmed Parti Pribumi Bersatu Malaysia president Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin would be his next choice of Prime Minister to ultimately fail to impress him. “Some may think I’m old and senile,” he told reporters, “but I  can still hand-pick a new national leader who will ultimately not live up […]

Erdogan Tells Najib: You May Need To Stage Your Own Coup!

ISTANBUL:  Hearing of the difficulties Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak was experiencing from the US-1MDB assets seizure scandal, today Turkish president-for-life Recep Tayyip Erdoğan suggested the Malaysian leader consider staging his own failed coup. “There’s nothing like a good failed coup to rally up your supporters,” Erdoğan told the few Turkish reporters not […]

Be Alert For Suspicious Activity Not Involving The PM, Nation Told

PUTRAJAYA:  Government authorities today appealed to the rakyat to alert the relevant authorities if they see anything that looks suspicious provided it has nothing to do with unusual 1MDB transactions the Prime Minister must be aware of. “Malaysia can only tackle the threat of extremism if we remain alert and don’t get distracted by the […]

Malaysia’s Govt Urges Cameron: Don’t Take Responsibility And Resign, Set Up A Task Force!

PUTRAJAYA:   Malaysian politicians close to our PM Najib Tun Razak were in shock last night after news broke British Prime Minister David Cameron took full responsibility for his nation’s costly Brexit from the EU, by actually resigning. “I don’t think honorably stepping down after messing things up is the best way to lead a nation,” […]

Nation Hoping Batman V Superman Better Than Old-Man V Duit-Man

MALAYSIA:  Today Malaysians said they would take a breather from the ongoing locally-produced super battle, ‘Old-Man V Duit-Man’ to watch Batman V Superman at a local cinema. “I’m sick of seeing Old-Man battling to reign in Duit-Man’s powers,” said fan Rashid, “watching a movie about Batman battling to reign in Superman’s powers will be a […]

Mukhriz To Support Najib Mon/Wed/Fri, Will Topple Him With Father Other Days

ALOR SETAR: Facing a revolt from within his own party ranks, today Kedah MB Datuk Seri Mukhriz Mahathir reassured Najib’s loyalists he could regain their confidence for the next election. “The MB as agreed to give his full support to PM Najib Razak in the strongest possible terms Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.” said a Kedah […]

After benign growth removed, what’s left of PM pledges full loyalty to his leadership

PUTRAJAYA:  Today, the remaining parts still attached to Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak swore to fully support him after a benign growth was removed from his hand at HKL yesterday. “That benign growth spent years enjoying all the perks and privileges of being close to Prime Minister,” said his spleen, “he was a bit of […]

TPP Deal: US sends diplomatic grizzlies to Malaysia

WASHINGTON: To commemorate the nation’s participation in the 12 country Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP), today President Obama arranged for two diplomatic grizzly bears to be sent to Malaysia. “The President is very keen for American companies to gain access to Malaysian markets,” said a source on Capitol Hill, “we understand trading superpowers often send bears to […]

Jealous of closer Malaysia-US relations, China vows to ‘dismantle’ 2nd Penang bridge

Submitted by Diplomatic Jealousy Editor, PUTRAJAYA: Malaysia and the United States upgraded their relationship status to “comprehensive partnership” after spending a memorable weekend together.  The news was not welcomed in Beijing. “I thought Malaysia and China had something special,” said hurt Chinese Premier Li Keqiang, “but after hearing Prime Minister Najib’s sweet promises of ‘long-term […]

Rakyat to pay 6% GST (Government Squander Tax)

Submitted by Chickens Home to Roost Editor, PUTRJAYA:  The Malaysian Finance Minister who coincidentally resembles the Malaysian Prime Minister, announced a bold economically sound budget on Friday.   As expected, this budget has government hand backs to compensate for last year’s government hand outs.  The FM/PM explained the reasoning to the press gallery after the budget […]

Same leaders transform UMNO from a caterpillar into fatter caterpillar

Submitted by Political Entomology Editor, PUTRAJAYA:  In a major victory for the Prime Minister and his transformation aspirations, almost all major party posts have gone to the same veteran leaders as before.  The anticipated “winds of change” turned out to be only flatulence caused by imitation Ramly Burgers served at the assembly.  After firing the […]

The UMNO Hunger Games: Catching Najib

Submitted by Grassroots Voter Editor, KUALA LUMPUR:  It’s an exciting time to be an UMNO supporter and sales of adult diapers have flown off 1Malaysia store shelves in anticipation of this Saturday’s UMNO Vice Presidential Hunger Games.   Here tributes from various Malaysian districts compete to the death in a grueling political arena.  Only those who […]

PM Saves the World

Submitted by, Globe Trotting Peacemaker Editor, NEW YORK:  The Malaysian Prime Minister on the weekend called for an end to international violence and conflict.  Speaking at the 68th session of the United Nations General Assembly (UNGA) he addressed a captivated audience of foreign dignitaries. “What we all need to start doing,” he explained solemnly, “is […]