Stop Talking Politics Or We’ll Start Singing, Artistes Warned

KUALA LUMPUR: Malaysian entertainers like iconic singer Sheila Majid who recently tweeted about the rising costs of living have been warned if they insist on meddling in politics, Malaysian MPs will retaliate by releasing cover versions of their most famous songs. “Do audiences and Sheila herself really want Ku Nan or Shahrizat singing renditions of […]

PM Arrives For Trump Talks Sporting Bold New Look

  WASHINGTON: Arriving ahead of his first official meeting with Donald Trump since he became President, diplomatic officials close to Najib Razak confirmed the Malaysian PM will be showcasing a bold new look demonstrating his government’s commitment to boosting ties with the United States. “Najib spent most of the flight onboard ‘NR1’ prepping for his […]

Hishammuddin’s Special Function To Include Not Being Zahid

KUALA LUMPUR:  Hours after his appointment as Special Functions Minister, sources in the Prime Minister’s Office confirmed Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein’s main special function will involve not being Deputy Prime Minister Ahmad Zahid Hamidi. “Hishammuddin who is already Defence Minister won’t take his new special functions responsibilities lightly,” a spokesman confirmed, “we expect he […]

Biawak Screws Kelantan Biawak

KELANTAN: Local reptile researchers witnessed a fascinating display of monitor lizard courtship rituals last night, as an enormous biawak grew tired of the smaller Kelantan biawak carrying it on its shoulder and abruptly decided to screw it. “Some may think the bigger biawak toying with the smaller one before suddenly fucking it was cruel, but […]

PM injured after patting himself on the back too hard for GST

PUTRAJAYA:  Following his Doctor’s recommendation, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak cut short a planned one-hour speech last night praising himself for the introduction the GST. “I have some concerns for the PM’s health as he continues to campaign for his reelection,” explained Najib’s personal physician, Dr Abdullah bin Bakar, “all this patting himself […]

Saudi king’s departure proof RM2.6b donation was returned, expert says

KUALA LUMPUR:   Just like the Saudi Arabian King Salman Abdul Aziz Al Saud’s official visit to Malaysia proved the RM2.6 billion donation received by Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak was genuine, his departure today has proved the money has also departed, a leading expert said today. “The King leaving today was concrete proof most of […]

PM hopeful newly discovered alien life will lend us money

PUTRAJAYA:  Only weeks after launching Malaysia’s very own National Space Policy, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak welcomed the news of  NASA’s discovery of 7 earth-like planets capable of sustaining alien life. “The Prime Minister is a visionary statesman,” said celestial strengthening ties analyst, Abdullah bin Baker,  “he’s already anticipating a time when we […]

Auditor General downloads trial version of Quickbooks

PETALING JAYA:  Tan Sri Dr Madinah Mohamad wasted no time as Malaysia’s new Auditor General this morning by clicking the download button and installing a trial version of the Quickbooks accounting package onto her work computer. “Some may doubt Madinah’s lack of qualifications, but once she’s done familiarising herself with accounting software, she’ll be more […]

PM Demands Trump Reverse Muslim Ban In Powerful Daydream

PUTRAJAYA:  Today Malaysia’s Prime Minister and self-appointed champion of Muslims, Najib Abdul Razak, flayed US President Donald Trump over his policy to prevent Muslim refugees from entering the United States in a confrontational 15 minute daydream. “The PM looked pretty pleased with himself after nodding off for a few minutes,” a witness to the satisfying […]

PM open to performing at Trump inauguration if US drops kleptocracy probe

PUTRAJAYA:  Well-placed trade officials keen to strengthen Malaysia’s US ties have indicated a willingness for Prime Minister Najib Tun Razak to sing at Donald Trump’s inauguration ball this Friday, after several famous US entertainers embarrassed the President Elect by refusing invitations. “The swearing in of US president Donald Trump takes place Friday,” a source confirmed, […]

BR1M not a bribe but handy for staging pre-election photo ops

PUTRAJAYA:  Today Barisan National experts confirmed while 1Malaysia People’s Aid (BR1M) is not a bribe, staging orchestrated handouts in front of the media, hasn’t exactly hurt the PM’s popularity with voters. “BR1M is all about helping the needy, and nobody is more needy when it comes to needing to keep his job, than the Prime […]

Nation relieved despite rampant civil servant corruption, leaders remain squeaky clean

MALAYSIA:  Reeling from almost daily revelations of rampant graft in the civil service, today the rakyat took comfort knowing that despite suffering from an epidemic of corrupt Datuks, MARA, Sports and Rural Development officials, the theft of public monies by those entrusted to serve the people only goes ‘so high’, and all our senior cabinet […]

1MDB board confirms China bailout by knowing nothing about it

KUALA LUMPUR:   Today 1MDB gave the clearest signal yet it was indeed in private talks with China to bail out a US$6.5bn debt to Abu Dhabi’s state-owned International Petroleum Investment Company after chairman of the week, Tan Sri Dr Mohd Irwan Serigar Abdullah claimed he knew nothing about it. “Malaysians are very familiar now with […]

Kids say Santa more believable than story about Saudi donor

MID VALLEY: With Christmas only weeks away, today Malaysian children were told the heartwarming tale of a magical unseen generous person. “And so just before the last general election, this anonymous Saudi donor insisted our PM accept loads of money into his personal bank account and not tell anyone about it,” Malaysia’s Minister for Meddling […]

1MDB: Probe into PM’s brainchild is also PM’s brainchild

TOKYO:  In an interview with the Nikkei Asian Review this week, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak announced coincidently like the debt-laden 1MDB wealth fund which was his brainchild, the probe into it was indeed another brainchild, initiated by him. “The PM knows everything about this probe into his 1MDB brainchild,” an insider confirmed, […]

So the guy who lost the popular vote still won your election? What’s that feel like? M’sians ask US

MALAYSIA:  Upon hearing the surprise outcome of the 15-month US presidential democratic process, many Malaysians found themselves struggling to relate to American voters dismayed by Donald Trump’s victory. “It must be really hard to live in a democratic country when ‘your guy’ isn’t running the show, “said a Malaysian, “I’m sure you’ll get through it […]

To boost US ties, Malaysian officials offer to buy Trump penthouses

PUTRAJAYA:  Today Malaysia’s political elite reaffirmed the Prime Minister’s assurances a Donald Trump presidency will not affect Malaysia’s relationship with the US. “The PM says he has a golfing friendship with the new president elect, but we Malaysians still need to work at it,” a source confirmed, “if it means using some surplus Chinese investment […]

Husband To ‘Strengthen Ties’ With Ah Long

BUKIT JELUTONG:   Today, 42-year-old Abdullah Bin Bakar declared to his family, he will be ‘strengthening his friendship’ with his Ah Long after attending  a series of meetings that took their relationship to an ‘all time high.’ “My husband signed a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) for investment deals sure to ‘strengthen ties’ between our family and […]

Govt Launches TN50 By Hitting Snooze Button

PUTRAJAYA:  In a special ceremony this morning, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak officially announced the first step towards Transformasi Nasional (TN50) by hitting the snooze button on the Vision 2020 development clock. “TN50 is a bold undertaking fitting of a truly visionary PM who isn’t Tun Mahathir,” said an attendee, “now we can do […]

Non-Election Budget 2017: PM Wishing He Hadn’t Returned Saudi Donor Money

PUTRAJAYA:  Today the Prime Minister ruled out tabling an election budget this year, with insiders confirming Najib is secretly regretting he returned US$620m of the US$681m Saudi donor money which would be very useful today. “That returned US$620m could send some bright students on scholarships, provide essential healthcare, delay subsidy cuts on essential items, or […]