Penangites Reassured Despite Budget Funding Snub They Can Still Pay Tax

PENANG: Today Penang residents expressed their disappointment with Budget 2016 after it was revealed the state did not receive any development funding. “Penang is a major economic hub and a major tourist attraction,” said a local resident, “even if its residents have elected a non-BN government, why should it be overlooked?” “The government hasn’t completely […]

For Unauthorised Photo Use, Amanah Publicist Sentenced To One Year Following Felixia Yeap Online

PETALING JAYA:  Today an Amanah youth wing PR member was punished for using unauthorised photos of Felixia Yeap in a political meme by being forced to read and like everything she posts on Facebook for one year.   “We had good intentions featuring Felixia as an example of how Islam shouldn’t be racist,” said Amanah […]

Vuvuzelas As Annoying As Government, Say Bersih 4 Protesters

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Bersih 4 protesters admitted the ear splitting sound of vuvuzelas is as annoying as having Najib Tun Razak in office. “There are thousands here at Bersih4 sending one united message,” said a Bersih 2.0 organiser, “and that is, to stop blaring your fucking vuvuzelas right now!  Seriously, nobody can hear themselves think, […]

PAS: Pakatan can continue as a loveless marriage of convenience

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today PAS Youth said even if DAP and PKR have declared the Pakatan coalition to be over, doesn’t mean it couldn’t still live on as a sad loveless marriage of political convenience. “Just because the romance is over and your marriage has failed, doesn’t necessarily mean you have to get divorced!” said a […]

PAS Kelantan: We Must Move Forward Into The Past Or Risk Being Left Behind

KOTA BARU:  In a bid to reverse the party’s dissatisfaction with their president, PAS leaders united today, and rode in on camel-back to announce their newest initiative. “Today we join the Abbasid Caliphate (750-1517) as part of our new wawasan 1220 policy!” said a PAS strategist,  “We announced it on our Facebook page which is […]

Anwar Verdict: Lawyers Give Saiful All Clear To Wash Bottom

KUALA LUMPUR:  After an exhausting seven-year ordeal, Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan’s legal council gave him the ‘go ahead’ this afternoon to use the bathroom and wash his bottom. “We have told our client he may clean his backside and finally use the toilet,” said one of his lawyers, “Mr Saiful has been holding on since […]

Floods delaying Hudud a sign from God to introduce it, say PAS

Submitted by Heavenly Policy Endorsement Editor, KUALA LUMPUR:   The son of PAS’s spiritual leader Pasir Mas MP Nik Mohamad Abduh, has confirmed that the worsening Flood disaster that has postponed the introduction of Islamic law in Kelantan, is a certain sign from God to introduce it immediately. “When the floods eventually clear, it will be […]

Hadi tells DAP, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

GOMBAK:  This morning PAS president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang responded to DAP central executive committee members who complained about his absence at crucial Pakatan Rakyat meetings. “How can Pakatan move forward if Hadi doesn’t show up on dates?” said a DAP spokesman, “At least call or text us if you’re not coming.  Standing us […]

I’m going to think twice before hiring any more pretty faced political aides says Anwar

Submitted by High Cheek Boned Hiring Policy Editor, PALACE OF JUSTICE:  In a serious blow to highly qualified but gorgeous effeminate political aides across the country, opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim announced today he will think twice before hiring any more handsome personal assistants. Anwar said in a statement, “I don’t want to be discriminatory when […]

Forget poverty eradication, or corruption. Who can drink beer is the nation’s most urgent issue, says Hadi

Submitted by Haram Beverage Consumption Enforcement Editor, SELANGOR:  Today Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang announced that by tackling the nation’s most critically urgent topic – who should and shouldn’t drink beer, PAS was as relevant to Malaysians today as ever. “When Muslims get a substandard education, face rising living costs and poor work prospects, their […]

Khalid leaves thumbtack on new MB Azmin’s chair

Submitted by No Hard Feelings Editor, SELANGOR:  Hours after taking his oath of office today, Bukit Antarabangsa assembly person Mohamed Azmin Ali, discovered painfully, that his predecessor Tan Sri Abdul Khalid Ibrahim had left a ‘little present’ on his chair in the Selangor MB’s office. “The thumbtacks were a hurtful reminder that in politics, there […]

Anwar rules out marrying Azmin Ali and appointing himself husband of Selangor MB

Submitted by Political Puppetry Editor, SELANGOR:  Utusan’s respected fictional columnist, Awang Selamat reported Opposition leader Anwar Ibrahim has asked Dr Wan Azizah to step down from her post as wife last night, to make way for him to marry the new Selangor MB Azmin Ali and finally complete his Kajang Move. “Yes Anwar has been […]

PKR nominate Anwar’s cat Mat Manja as new Selangor MB candidate

Submitted by Royal Appeasement Scramble Editor, SELANGOR:  Hours after it was known that the Sultan requested more Pakatan Rakyat candidates to replace the current embattled Selangor MB, PKR have announced that Anwar’s much loved family cat, Mat Manja is the party’s new preferred candidate. “This is a shrewd move by PKR to solve this seemingly […]

Anwar’s lawyer’s lawyer also charged with sedition

Submitted by Seditious Litigator Comments Editor, KUALA LUMPUR:  In a legal case without precedent, the lawyer acting on behalf of the lawyer acting on behalf of Malaysia’s opposition leader was charged with sedition for his remarks over the weekend. PKR Lawyer Mr Gunasekaran Arunkumar, is accused of making a seditious comment relating to his client’s seditious […]

PKR confident of wresting Selangor from PKR

Submitted by Political Ambition Editor, SHAH ALAM:  Today, PKR leaders reiterated their commitment to liberating Malaysia’s richest state from itself. “We have heard the people of Malaysia crying out for change, and God willing, we will give it to them,” said party strategist, Rafizi Ramli to enthusiastic cheers, “PKR might be seen as the underdog […]

PAS: We will never abandon our dream of a Malaysia that stones, mutilates and executes criminals

Submitted by Medieval Prosecution Editor, PETALING JAYA: PAS president Abdul Hadi Awang spoke out today against those who disagreed with Kelantan’s intention to carry out hudud law. “These are God’s laws and cannot be questioned.  Hudud laws have already been implemented without problem in several prosperous utopias such as Nigeria, Yemen, Jordan and Pakistan.   I’m […]

Khalid wins UMNO award for outstanding leadership

Submitted by ‘I like Your Style’ Editor, SELANGOR:  Selangor menteri besar Abdul Khalid was awarded an UMNO Outstanding Leadership Award last night in a hastily convened private ceremony at Putrajaya.  The Prime Minister, Deputy PM and several UMNO cabinet ministers were in attendance. “We are very impressed with Khalid,” said the Prime Minister, “he has […]

Kajang by-election candidates wow voters by expecting to lose

Submitted by Lack of Confidence Editor, KAJANG:  The three candidates contesting for the March 22nd  Kajang by-election will be out campaigning this weekend.  Each of them tried their best to ‘out humble’ one other by explaining to voters why they didn’t expect to win. Datuk Seri Anwar Ibrahim said, “With the Barisan Nasional’s awesome election […]

Nurul still married: Opposition bachelors Heartbroken

Submitted by You Wish Editor, BANGSAR:  Opposition supporting bachelors’ hearts were fluttering this afternoon as news broke that PKR vice president, 34-year-old Nurul Izzah had filed for divorce.   Since then, the Lembah Pantai MP has had her home and office flooded with phone calls, texts, flower bouquets and little teddy bears from romantic hopefuls. “I […]

Muppet Prime Minister to debate Opposition

Submitted by Felt-based Political Intercourse Editor, PUTRAJAYA:   With the first televised pre-election debates between Obama and Romney scheduled to take place this week in the United States, local democracy radicals have asked why Malaysia cannot conduct similar debates between the Prime Minister and the leader of the Opposition so voters have a clearer choice. The […]