Opposition Launches Maafcoin Cryptocurrency

NATION: In what is being hailed as a world first, Pakatan Harapan blockchain experts announced trading in their new apology-based cryptocurrency today. “The Maafcoin came about when it was revealed Dr Mahathir’s allies and enemies had a strong desire to trade in the former Prime Minister’s recent apology,” a Part Pribumi Bersatu Malaysia (Pribumi) spokesman […]

18 Years Old Enough For Army But Too Young For Polling Booth

MALAYSIA: Today democratic experts hailed the nation’s current policy of allowing 18-year-olds to voluntarily join the armed forces and use firearms on the understanding they were too young to go into a GE14 polling booth. “The right to vote is something precious, and sacred,” said government democracy spokesman, Abdullah bin Bakar, “the 1.5 million Malaysians […]

M’sia Very Liveable Says Expat On RM40K Monthly Salary

NATION: Malaysians struggling to make ends meet had their spirits lifted this week after an InterNations report confirmed expatriates earning RM40K a month or more somehow found the country one of the world’s best places to live. “Wow, according to the report, ‘ease of settling’ in KL has risen from 18th to 5th best in […]

Molesting Cardboard Shell Models Completely Normal Say Doll Owners

  TOKYO:   Japanese Hiroki Fook and girlfriend Mayu Lovebot#34578 today defended the Malaysians recently photographed in compromising positions with Shell station cutout models. “My doll is the love of my life so I understand these Malaysian men,” said Hiroki in a statement, “there’s nothing unhealthy about getting intimate with a cardboard cutout.  Who can blame […]

State govt asked how contractors can afford RM180,000 trees not dead, only hibernating

KUALA TERENGGANU:  Today botanists confirmed like the exotic trees seen on Bandar Baharu Kuala Nerus, the state government who awards generous landscaping contracts was not dead, only hibernating from people asking certain questions. “This particular strain of Terengganu state government shuts down when questioned about why contractors would pay RM180,000 for an exotic Brazilian silk […]

Zakir Naik proves he’s a PR-worthy adopter of M’sian habits by telling India he’s ‘on the way’

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Malaysian Home Ministry officials defended the decision to award Islamic televangelist Dr Zakir Naik permanent resident status as the controversial preacher had adopted ‘typically Malaysian’ habits. “The only way a foreigner can attain PR status is if they display typically Malaysian values,” explained 3rd Home Minister Abdullah Abu Bakar, “ just last […]

RM21.50 Per Pack For Cigarettes A Great Idea Say Smugglers

KOTA BARU:  Today the nation’s cigarette smugglers praised Deputy Health Minister Dr Hilmi Yahaya’s decision to increase the price of legal cigarettes to RM21.50 per packet. “Hiking the cost of legal cigarettes by 26.5% is going to make many smokers change their ways,” said professional cigarette smuggler Kid Kangkung stuffing contraband fags into his truck’s […]

Govt fights fake news by blasting Bernama updates at Penang

KEDAH:  Heeding Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak’s recent call to fight fake news bent on toppling his democratically-elected government, today Malaysia’s Communications Ministry begun blasting government sanctioned Bernama press releases over loudspeaker across the Melacca Straits. “Penang residents living under the shadow of the DAP state government are susceptible to a constant barrage of false […]

Saudi king’s departure proof RM2.6b donation was returned, expert says

KUALA LUMPUR:   Just like the Saudi Arabian King Salman Abdul Aziz Al Saud’s official visit to Malaysia proved the RM2.6 billion donation received by Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak was genuine, his departure today has proved the money has also departed, a leading expert said today. “The King leaving today was concrete proof most of […]

Political blogger proves point with unflattering photo

MALAYSIA:  Today aficionados of Malaysia’s colourful political bloggersphere, agreed the writers made bullet-proof arguments against the opposition or government when they used unflattering photographs to ‘vilify’ the personalities involved. “Nothing sells a good smear piece like a terrible photo.  The pieces just write themselves!” explained veteran political blogger, Abdullah bin Bakar posting a photo of […]

MACC Offering Bribes To Civil Servants Who Report Bribes

PETALING JAYA:  Deputy chief commissioner Datuk Shamsun Bahrin Mohd Jamil confirmed Malaysian’s Anti Corruption Commission (MACC) would offer kickbacks to whistle-blowers reporting civil servants accepting them. “I keep the MACC hotline on post-it-note stuck to my computer monitor,” said administrative executive, Nor, “I called last week to report Hisham in accounts after I spotted him […]

After tracking website removal, Bomohs begin search for PM’s plane

KLIA:  Malaysians frustrated by their inability to find the Prime Minister’s Airbus No. 9M-NAA after its removal from plane tracking website www.flightaware.com received assistance from an unexpected source today. “Raja Bomoh Sedunia Ibrahim Mat Zin is offering his exclusive flight tracking services today at discounted rates,” an aide of the internationally famous bomoh told reporters, […]

To boost US ties, Malaysian officials offer to buy Trump penthouses

PUTRAJAYA:  Today Malaysia’s political elite reaffirmed the Prime Minister’s assurances a Donald Trump presidency will not affect Malaysia’s relationship with the US. “The PM says he has a golfing friendship with the new president elect, but we Malaysians still need to work at it,” a source confirmed, “if it means using some surplus Chinese investment […]

Govt Launches TN50 By Hitting Snooze Button

PUTRAJAYA:  In a special ceremony this morning, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak officially announced the first step towards Transformasi Nasional (TN50) by hitting the snooze button on the Vision 2020 development clock. “TN50 is a bold undertaking fitting of a truly visionary PM who isn’t Tun Mahathir,” said an attendee, “now we can do […]

Thailand blames Kelantan for its high rate of horny men

THAILAND: Officials from Southern Thailand’s border town, Golok, today blamed its huge drugs and prostitution industry on a constant influx of horny Kelantanese men. “We wouldn’t have a big red light district if our town wasn’t so close to Kota Baru,” explained Thai MP, Horachai Watchaporn, “each week, Golok is flooded with randy repressed men, […]

Criminals Announce Plans To Rob Politicians Not Declaring Assets

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today the nation’s law-breakers revealed plans to focus on robbing politicians who won’t publicly reveal their assets. “I got the idea after listening to Minister of Federal Territories, Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor, who despite evidence of high level corruption in DBKL, says he wont reveal the extent of his wealth  to […]

No non-Muslim maids for Muslims: PM To Ask Immigration If He Can Keep Filipino House Staff

  PUTRAJAYA:  The households of Malaysia’s Prime Minister and many other senior UMNO politicians said they would be having words with the Immigration Department today after news broke Malaysian Muslims could no longer hire non-Muslim maids. “Like the Prime Minister, many of us senior politicians have had the same Filipino maids working with our families […]

Modern Colonisation When Foreigners Reveal All The Mansions We Own In Their Countries – PM

MALACCA:  Today Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak urged UMNO members to reject a new form of modern colonisation where meddling foreigners reveal how many mansions had been suspiciously purchased by elite Malaysian political families and their proxies in their own countries. “The Prime Minister is very astute by defining this new type of  […]

Biscuit Factory Burns Down – Only Cream Crackers Remain

PENANG:  State Fire and Rescue chiefs were left baffled this evening after a fire burnt biscuit maker Far King Hau Bhd to the ground with only stocks of the company’s signature cream crackers left standing. “We thought the cream crackers would be the first thing to combust in the blaze,” said Abdullah Abu Bakar from […]

Censors Insisting On Criminal Retribution In Movies Because It’s Not Happening In Real Life

PETALING JAYA:  The Malaysian Film Censorship board (LPF) defended its decision to insist on a new ending for Kollywood blockbuster Kabali today, saying local cinema audiences watching a criminal regret his actions and face retribution on film, makes a nice change from what they see happening in real life. “We need gangster movies like Kabali […]