Mukhriz To Support Najib Mon/Wed/Fri, Will Topple Him With Father Other Days

ALOR SETAR: Facing a revolt from within his own party ranks, today Kedah MB Datuk Seri Mukhriz Mahathir reassured Najib’s loyalists he could regain their confidence for the next election. “The MB as agreed to give his full support to PM Najib Razak in the strongest possible terms Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.” said a Kedah […]

Nation to Kedah: Sorry about Mukhriz. It must suck to lose confidence in your leader

KUALA LUMPUR:   After admitting at a press conference yesterday they have lost all confidence in MB Mukhriz Mahathir, Kedah UMNO suddenly found themselves more sympathetic to the general public. “So you Kedah Umno guys are stuck with a leader who you’ve lost faith in, and wont last another election? I feel you bro,” said KL […]

Criminals ordered to run slower as police too overworked to work out

PENANG: Today one of the nation’s estimated 11,000 obese policeman asked crooks flee crime scenes at a slower pace as they were too overworked to be fit enough to pursue them. “Criminals need to respect enforcement authorities by running slower, said Constable Abdullah bin Bakar over his second helping of murtabak and teh tarik, “we […]

IGP twin restaurant worker rules out patrolling twitter for poor eatery reviews

SHAH ALAM: Today a Bangladeshi restaurant employee bearing a striking resemblance to Inspector-General of Police Tan Sri Khalid Abu Bakar ruled out monitoring twitter for cases of culinary dissent. “People eating here are uncomfortable after seeing me in the restaurant,” said worker Md. Raton, “but just because I resemble the IGP doesn’t mean I’m secretly […]

IKEA accused of using tempting furniture to sell meatballs

CHERAS:  Today Malaysian shoppers said Swedish retailer IKEA were taking advantage of the Malaysian obsession with designer furniture to push customers into their restaurant. “I didn’t plan on eating here,” said a Malaysian trying some salmon, “but I can’t resist a good sofa.  IKEA deliberately designs their stores such in a way that you can’t […]

Syariah-compliant Rayani Air serves shisha in men’s class

LANGKAWI: Today Malaysia’s newest airline, Shariah-Compliant Rayani Air announced hookah pipes will be available to all passengers rug seated in men’s class. “Men have the option of smoking apple, mint or strawberry tobacco once we take off,”said Rayani customer service manager Fadzillah binti Abang, “Women passengers will be reminded to retreat to the rear of […]

Selangor declares public holiday tomorrow for Star Wars

SELANGOR:  Just days after commemorating the state’s Malaysia Cup win, today the Selangor government again won over residents by declaring tomorrow a public holiday to celebrate the long awaited release of Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Menteri Besar Azmin Ali said the public holiday recognises the state’s love for Star Wars and will reduce Cineplex […]

Pilots mull abandoning 747s at KLIA after losing parking machine tokens

KLIA:  Tonight the pilots of 3 Boeing 747-200F’s that have been parked on the apron of the Kuala Lumpur International Airport for an unspecified amount of time have admitted to losing their parking machine tokens. “The chip coin must have slipped out of my trousers somewhere,” admitted one of the pilots,  “I’ve checked in the […]

MAS stops flying all routes to regain profitability

KLIA:  Today, Malaysia Airlines (MAS) announced it will cease flying to Paris, Amsterdam and all other destinations as part of a bold rationalisation exercise to restore it to profitability. “The national carrier needs to stop flying unprofitable routes,” said an airline spokesman, “so we’ve had to scrap all domestic and international destinations under our aggressive […]

Passengers told to hold in sneezes on all AirAsia flights

KUALA LUMPUR:  Hit by multiple flight delays and cancellations due to an unprecedented outbreak of pilot’s flu, today AirAsia cabin crews advised all passengers they are to refrain from sneezing on-board the flight. “Because we are Short staffed of pilots, AirAsia have added no-sneezing to our regular no-smoking, no-handphones onboard safety policy,” said an AirAsia […]

Jakim certifies rain as halal

SHAH ALAM:  At a press conference today the Health Ministry and Malaysian Islamic Development Department (Jakim) officially gave rain halal certification. “After we approved Lumin halal spring water, testing water falling from the sky seemed a logical next step,”said a Jakim spokesman, “In a world first, our halal meteorological experts flew in private jets carefully […]

1MDB CEO Arul Kanda grilled at PAC questioning spa

KUALA LUMPUR:  The long overdue appearance of 1MDB president Arul Kandasamy before the Public Accounts Committee was reconvened to their new questioning spa, it was revealed today. “It was new PAC chief Datuk Hasan Arifin’s idea to send Arul to the spa for an intensive grilling,” said a PAC spokesman, “so for lunch we served […]

Cigarette smugglers give thumbs up to Johor vape ban

JOHOR:  Today the nation’s cigarette smugglers welcomed the royal decree by Sultan Ibrahim Ibni Almarhum Sultan Iskandar to ban vaping in Johor. “The Sultan is correct.  This vaping obsession has been terrible for my rice bowl’s health!” admitted contraband smuggler Kid Kang Kung. “In 2012, my wife and I invested all our savings to start […]

Disillusioned With Govt And Opposition, Nation Prays New Star Wars Won’t Suck

MALAYSIA:  Today the rakyat disillusioned by the failings of the government and its opposition, confessed to putting all their remaining hopes in the new Star Wars film. “Between the PM’s scandals and the opposition’s squabbling, this is some rescue!” admitted one Malaysian, “sometimes I think, ‘who’s the more foolish; the fool, or the fool who […]

Govt Makes Bribes Official Language

PUTRAJAYA:  The government announced backhanders are to become the nation’s official second language today.  The announcement came a week after Sarawak’s chief minister Tan Sri Adenan released plans English would be added to state govt correspondence. “The problem with English is some rural folk don’t use it in day to day conversations,”  said a Putrajaya […]

Tun Mahathir’s Council Of Elders Discuss Taking PM To Mordor

RIVENDELL:  Today Malaysia’s new Council Of Elders called a meeting to discuss what should be done with the PM in power. “A darkness has enveloped our lands,” said Tun Mahathir solemnly, “one that can only be lifted by removing Najib whilst keeping UMNO in charge!  We must take the PM to Mordor, and throw him […]

Najib Quashes Succession Rumours By Appointing Himself Deputy PM

PUTRAJAYA:   In a shrewd political move, government sources reported today Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak plans to appoint himself Deputy PM to end rumours he will be toppled soon. “It’s no secret Muhyiddin and Zahid remain contenders, and either man will block the other’s attempts to become PM!” said a political commentator, “with numerous […]

Man Following Rahman Dahlan ‘Wake Up Early Toll-Free’ Advice Finds Small Stranger Living In Home

KLANG VALLEY:  Today a man who had been following Rahman Dahlan’s ingenious ‘wake up early’ road toll avoidance strategy for the past few years was shocked to discover several people he was unfamiliar with living in his home. “I leave my house at 5AM to get on Sungai Buloh Road and use it to return […]

Admiral Ackbar warns Tony Pua 1MDB debate sounds like something that rhymes with ‘it’s a crap!’

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Admiral Akbar intergalactic military commander of the Rebal Alliance expressed concern at Arul Kanda’s sudden willingness to be grilled by Tony Pua over 1MDB on live TV without conditions.   “It’s strange after running from the PAC probe in May, Arul Kanda is suddenly eager to answer questions,” said Ackbar in a […]

Boy Wearing Haze Costume This Halloween

MALAYSIA:  Despite our love for horror films, Halloween is not widely celebrated.  That may change this year thanks to some creative Malaysians keen to terrify others in exchange for drinks and/or candy.         “My son loves the haze costume he’s wearing this Halloween.  A few people said it’s in poor taste, but […]