Be Alert For Suspicious Activity Not Involving The PM, Nation Told

PUTRAJAYA:  Government authorities today appealed to the rakyat to alert the relevant authorities if they see anything that looks suspicious provided it has nothing to do with unusual 1MDB transactions the Prime Minister must be aware of. “Malaysia can only tackle the threat of extremism if we remain alert and don’t get distracted by the […]

KL Invaded By Foreigners Who Do Jobs We’d Rather Not Do

KUALA LUMPER: Today, the few Malaysians that didn’t ‘balik kampung’ out of KL, expressed shock at the masses of foreign workers hanging around the CBD as they do every raya. “Is this KL or Dhaka?” lamented a real Malaysian, “they should all be sent home, provided no one makes me or my loved ones do […]

City Congestion To Be Reduced By Swapping Parking Spaces Every 2 Hours

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today city motorists applauded the latest initiative by Federal Territories Minister Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor to reduce traffic congestion in the central business district (CBD). “Motorists will be able to park in the street for a maximum two hours at the increased rate of RM5,” said a DBKL spokesman, “after that […]

Drinking Urine Gives You 10 Extra Years Of Wondering Why You’re Still Single, Study Finds

CHINA:   A study conducted by the Wuhan branch of China’s own, Urine Therapy Association has revealed drinking your own urine will let you live 10 extra years wondering why ladies are not returning your phone calls. “Drinking urine has given me the youth and vigor of a man half my age!” exclaimed 65-year-old Mr Yi, […]

Govt Whose Wealth Fund Sent Billions To Wrong Company Concerned How DAP Spends 1Mil

KUALA LUMPUR: Today a BN politician whose leader’s brainchild wealth fund sent US$3.5billion to the wrong British Virgin Islands company, expressed serious concerns how DAP will spend the RM1million in donations collected for Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng’s bail. “Datuk Seri Ti Lian Ker is very worried about what DAP does with it’s money, […]

Balik Kampung Traffic Will Be As Smooth As LGE’s Corruption Probe, Hopes Transport Ministry

MALAYSIA:  Transport ministry officials today reassured balik kampung motorists that everything possible was being done to ensure their journey home would be as quick and uninterrupted as the MACC investigation into Lim Guan Eng’s bungalow purchase. “Sometimes I like to think of each balik kampung motorist as its own little corruption investigation,” joked 2nd Transport […]

Punish Antivaxxers For Spreading Disease, Say Malaysians Not Washing Hands In Toilets

MALAYSIA:  Today the estimated 62% of men and 40% women not washing their hands after using the toilet, suggested harsh punishments for irresponsible parents who rejected Health Ministry guidelines to vaccinate their children. “People who don’t vaccinate on religious grounds could potentially spread diseases,” said a man walking past a public bathroom sink after pooping, […]

Families Pray For Safe Return Of RM12m Ransom

SARAWAK:  Today families of the four sailors recently returned by their Abu Sayyaf captors, prayed for the safe return of the RM12 million ransom money whose whereabouts could not be confirmed. “Many of us took out mortgages on our homes, borrowed from friends, and appealed to public to raise that RM12 million ransom, “said a […]

Surgeons remove patient’s head, promise to find replacement later, in world’s first Mahathirectomy

ROME:  Italian neurosurgeon, Dr Luigi Boscaiola today announced he had successfully completed the world’s first Mahathirectomy today.  This revolutionary head transplant procedure was named after a famous Malaysian doctor. “A Mahathirectomy is a complicated procedure and is recommended if everyone agrees a patient is suffering from a bad head, but nobody yet agrees on what […]

Public Reminded To Avoid Money Games Not Cleared By Attorney General

PETALING JAYA:  Today officials warned Malaysians to avoid shady ‘get rich quick’ money games involving the transfer of money from suckers to the operators of such schemes unless they had been cleared of all wrongdoing by the Attorney-General. “Many of these ‘too good to be true’ investments promise overnight fortunes,” said a consumer protection analyst, […]

Despite Drought, Politicians Make It Rain Across Sarawak

SARAWAK:  With much of the country suffering from an ongoing drought, those suffering through the dry spell took heart after hearing Chief Minister Tan Sri Adenan Satem and Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak had no problem ‘making it rain’ in Sarawak. “We forecast heavy bribes to pour across the state until the 7th of […]

Shahrizat Warns Of Plot To Link Najib To 1MDB Documents He Signed

KUALA LUMPUR: Today Wanita Chief Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil warned Najib was the victim of a political ploy out to link the PM with dubious 1MDB activities that were approved with his signature. “The Public Accounts Committee (PAC) report proves Najib had nothing to do with 1MDB other than firing auditors, approving investments, and […]

Govt Warns Australian Journalists In ‘Advanced Stages’ Of Preparing More Questions

KUALA LUMPUR:  Security officials called for calm today after credible Malaysian intelligence revealed other Australian journalists are in the advanced stages of preparing questions to throw out at the Prime Minister. “We would suggest all Malaysian govt officials reconsider their Australian travel plans,” said Home Ministry security adviser Rashid Abu Bakar, “our sources reveal a […]

News Portals Reminded They Can Still Praise Govt Anyway They Like

KUALA LUMPUR: Today Umno welfare bureau chairman Datuk Shamsul Anuar Nasarah reminded the nation’s remaining news portals that despite last night’s closure of The Malaysian Insider, the government believed in press freedom. “We are big on freedom of speech and don’t want to stifle creativity,” said a party insider, “journalists should feel comfortable praising the […]

Supporters call for Malaysians to respect PM’s hashtag

CYBERSPACE:  Today supporters of the #RespectMyPM campaign came out in solidarity with the much ridiculed hashtag and called for Malaysian netizens to show the it more respect. “This #RespectMyPM hashtag has worked hard for the nation since it appeared on Twitter 3 days ago,” said loyal hashtag supporter  Faisal Bin Abang, “you may not agree […]

Jho Low Wins Oscar For Best Supporting Role In A Foreign Feature

HOLLYWOOD:   Malaysian-born Jho Low has won an Oscar for best supporting role in a foreign wealth fund at Sunday night’s Academy Awards.   The playboy overcame serious competition from Chinese, Nigerian and Ugandan ‘financiers’ to take win the gold. “Jho Low’s star has shone brightly for several years but until recently he was overlooked,” said Oscar […]

Staff give 500 books on Najib back to Zahid in the spirit of returning donations

PUTRAJAYA:  Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi was initially surprised to see all 500 copies of Najib Razak: 40 years, 40 pictures he had donated to his staff, returned to his office this afternoon. “The DPM loves Najib so much, he couldn’t resist giving out these coffee table books as a generous personal donation,” said […]

PM raises eyebrows bringing Maggi mee to ‘pork free’ summit dinner

CALIFORNIA:  President Barak Obama was taken aback last night, after aides to Najib Abdul Razak insisted the Malaysian PM refuse ‘pork free’ meals served at the two day US-Asian summit. “The PM would normally love to try some Californian cuisine,” said Najib’s culinary expert, Abdullah bin Bakar, “but our PM accepting a ‘pork free meal’ […]

You could be put away for exposing crimes that normally get people put away, says A-G

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today, attorney-general Tan Sri Mohamed Apandi Ali suggested the Official Secrets Act be amended to arrest those that expose secrets which lead to corruption probes after which nobody is ever arrested. “Apandi reminded the rakyat whistleblowers in China face the death penalty,” confirmed a source, “they execute corrupt officials too, but the PM’s […]

Budget recalibrating 2016 PM wishes 2013 PM hadn’t returned so much donor money

PUTRAJAYA:  Today the 2016 PM who is currently slashing the budget to address falling oil revenues, admitted that extra RM2Bil, 2013 PM didn’t want would be very useful now. “2016 PM said if he still had that returned RM2bil Saudi donor money, he could use it to help recalibrate the budget, feed hungry students, build […]