So the guy who lost the popular vote still won your election? What’s that feel like? M’sians ask US

MALAYSIA:  Upon hearing the surprise outcome of the 15-month US presidential democratic process, many Malaysians found themselves struggling to relate to American voters dismayed by Donald Trump’s victory. “It must be really hard to live in a democratic country when ‘your guy’ isn’t running the show, “said a Malaysian, “I’m sure you’ll get through it […]

China Invites Najib’s Cats To Join Family In Beijing

BEIJING:  Today China officials requested Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak’s family pets be flown over to Beijing this evening to join his wife and sons for the remainder of their week-long official China working visit. “The Chinese government invited the PM and his family as part of the mutual strengthening of ties,” a […]

Told To Be Uber Drivers, Poor Suggest PM Allow Ride-sharing On His Plane

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today low-income B40 Malaysians lauded the Prime Minister’s suggestion they become Uber drivers to make extra income, with some suggesting the PM and his cabinet ministers allow ride-sharing on government jets to raise revenue for Budget 2017. “Next time the PM is flying to Europe or the UK on one of his working […]

Govt Announces Cooking Oil Increase Ahead Of Wonderful People’s Budget

PUTRAJAYA:   Following standard government protocol, news of cooking oil subsidy reductions were leaked early this week, allowing the Prime Minister to announce a raft of measures to help struggling Malaysians through hard times in his upcoming Budget speech. “We can’t have people thinking cooking oil price rises which basically hits anyone eating out or cooking […]

PM Ruling Out Snap Polls A Sure Sign He Is Committed To Calling Them, Experts Say

BERLIN:  Today, Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak gave his strongest signal yet he was preparing for March 2017 snap polls after he took the time to officially rule them out. “UMNO chiefs are now rushing to get the party’s political machinery ready for snap polls now after the Prime Minister’s official denial,” said political insider […]

Zahid To Receive Unesco’s ‘Lead While Boss Can’t Attend’ Award In New York

NEW YORK:  Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Ahmad Zahid Hamidi has been selected to receive the Unesco ‘Lead while boss can’t attend’ award in conjunction with his attendance at the 71st United Nations General Assembly, Bernama revealed today. “The ‘Lead while boss can’t attend’ award is given in recognition of Zahid’s tireless efforts in keeping […]

Strawberry Haze On The Way Following Sumatra Vape Juice Drop

NATION:  Malaysian and Indonesian owned palm oil producers today announced thanks to a strategic partnership with a local vape juice manufacturer, the country can look forward to breathing a creamier, strawberry-tinged haze cloud this season. “I think we can all agree there isn’t any political will to stop annual haze burning, so why not add a […]

Texting Motorists Urged To give Way To Drivers Heading To PokeStops

KLANG VALLEY:  Today Malaysian road safety officials lashed out at drivers too distracted by their smartphones to consider the safety risks they pose to other motorists driving around looking for PokeStops. “If these irresponsible drivers scrolling through their Facebook feeds, Whatsapp groups and Snapchats could just look up and watch where they’re going once in […]

New MACC Chief Practices Clearing PM In Bathroom Mirror A Few Times Before Leaving For Work

BUKIT JELUTONG:   Rising early to prepare for his first day, incoming Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission Chief Datuk Dzulkifli Ahmad was overheard by family members rehearsing in front of his bathroom mirror this morning, before heading to his new office. “I could hear En. Zul repeating to himself in the mirror, ‘Based on our investigations, we have […]

Rahman Dahlan’s Brain: Check With Me First Before Using Mouth To Talk About 1MDB

PUTRAJAYA:  Today the brains of Barisan Nasional strategic communications director Abdul Rahman Dahlan, said they should have been consulted first, before his mouth exposed his recent opinions about 1MDB and the US department of Justice. “Why brag about the PM not being specifically mentioned in the DOJ report?” said Rahman Dahlan’s frontal lobe, “is it […]

1MDB: Lawyers Deny Seeing Hillary, Hoping To Meet ‘US Democratic Party Nominee 1’

PHILADELPHIA:  Today on the sidelines of the US Democratic Party convention, sources close to Malaysian lawyer Tan Sri Muhammad Shaffee Abdullah, slammed rumours that government backed lawyers were hoping to secretly meet with Hillary Clinton to avoid further 1MDB fallout from DoJ prosecution.   “There’s no truth to the idea the government is secretly sending […]

Red Granite Pictures Acquire Movie Rights To Own Lawsuit

HOLLYWOOD:   Red Granite Pictures, film producers behind such hits as Daddy’s Home, Dumb and Dumber Too and Wolf of Wall St., had show-business tongues wagging this week after shrewdly acquiring the movie rights to their own US Department of Justice civil forfeiture suit. “Just before the DoJ news broke, Riza Aziz, Joey McFarland and their trusty […]

Erdogan Tells Najib: You May Need To Stage Your Own Coup!

ISTANBUL:  Hearing of the difficulties Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak was experiencing from the US-1MDB assets seizure scandal, today Turkish president-for-life Recep Tayyip Erdoğan suggested the Malaysian leader consider staging his own failed coup. “There’s nothing like a good failed coup to rally up your supporters,” Erdoğan told the few Turkish reporters not […]

Stolen 1MDB Billions Mustn’t Distract Us From Talking About LGE’s House, Govt Warns

KUALA LUMPUR: Communications and Multimedia Minister Datuk Seri Dr Salleh Said Keruak reminded the press today not to get distracted by the sensational news the US Department Of Justice is seizing USD1Billion of personal assets misappropriated from 1MDB, when they could be publishing juicer news about the price Penang Chief Minister Lim Guan Eng paid […]

DOJ Assets Seizure: PM To Question ‘Malaysian Official 1’ In Special Two-Eyed Meeting

PUTRAJAYA: As part of the government’s commitment to assist the US Department of Justice’s  kleptocracy probe,  Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak said he will personally question the mysterious ‘Malaysian Official 1’ in a special two-eyed meeting. “Nobody is more serious about finding 1MDB wrongdoers than the Prime Minister,” said a source, “rather than form […]

We’ll Tackle Poverty, Drugs, And Extremism Once We Solve The Serious Problem Of Cinemas, PAS Says

KELANTAN:  Today a source close to Deputy Mentri Besar Datuk Nik Mohd Amar Nik Abdullah said that tackling the critical issue of who sits where in state cinemas and checking what movies people may see, proves PAS is as relevant to Malaysians today as ever. “When Muslims get a substandard education, face rising living costs […]

Johor Offered Water Filtered By Singaporean Kidneys

JOHOR:  Today Singapore told Johor’s water regulatory body Badan Kawalselia Air Johor (Bakaj), that in addition to the six million gallons of daily treated water they were supplying, it could also pump NEWater which had been filtered through the kidneys of its citizens. “Johor is facing a major environmental disaster after a GLC-linked palm mill […]

Malaysia Offers To Help France Bake Better Croissants

MALAYSIA:  Today a SE Asian country offered to teach France how to bake delicious croissants in addition to sharing its solutions to the worldwide threat of terrorism. “Malaysia has had Delifrance restaurants operating in the country for some years now,” said sources close to Deputy Prime Minister Datuk Seri Dr Ahmad Zahid Hamidi, “the franchise […]

Rayani Air Promises To Refund Customers In The Afterlife

LANGKAWI:  Today grounded Shariah-compliant airline, Rayani Air told customers whose refund cheques had bounced, to not lose hope in getting their money back. “We have no money, no flying license and no office you can visit, in this life,” said Rayani Air in a Facebook statement, “our only hope is if some angel investor gives […]

Reading A-G Report Would Only Distract Us From Finding Who Leaked It, Govt Confirms

PUTRAJAYA:  Today sources close to Communications and Multimedia Minister Datuk Seri Dr Salleh Said Keruak, confirmed officials had no time to read the damning contents of the Auditor-General’s report into 1MDB, as they were already committed to finding out who leaked them to the Sarawak Report. “I think the outrage Malaysians feel upon learning how 1MDB […]