New KLIA2 Passenger Charge Only 4 Sen Per Step

KLIA2:  Malaysia Aviation Commission (Mavcom) officials confirmed today they have finally resolved their ongoing dispute with low-cost airline operators objecting to attempts to increase the KLIA2 passenger service charge. “I think we can all agree KLIA2 isn’t a budget terminal, one only has to walk its endless premium corridors to know you’re somewhere special!  This […]

How About We Come To Your Work To Only Walk In Aircon? Yell Struggling Mall Operators

KLANG VALLEY: Today the nation’s shopping mall operators vented their frustrations at the fact retail footfall traffic is better than ever despite falling retail sales. “So you like come to the mall to cuci mata issit?” yelled Mid Valley Retail Analyst, Wai Yu Hia, “how about we come to your place of business to only […]

M’sia Very Liveable Says Expat On RM40K Monthly Salary

NATION: Malaysians struggling to make ends meet had their spirits lifted this week after an InterNations report confirmed expatriates earning RM40K a month or more somehow found the country one of the world’s best places to live. “Wow, according to the report, ‘ease of settling’ in KL has risen from 18th to 5th best in […]

N. Korean Tourism Left Reeling After All 3 M’sians Cancel Holidays

PYONGYANG:  North Korea’s world-class tourism industry suffered a crippling blow today after news broke Malaysia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs issued a travel ban in response to escalating international tensions. “We are disappointed to learn all three Malaysian tourists planning holidays have canceled,” said North Korean People’s Army Tourism Liaison General, Kim Dong-gil. “Our Kuala Lumpur […]

Singapore McDonald’s Introduces ‘Deconstructed’ Nasi Lemak Burger

  DHOBY GAUNT: Singaporean fast food aficionados have been politely queuing up for hours today after local McDonald’s outlets began serving a new dish they are calling the ‘deconstructed nasi lemak burger.’ “The nasi lemak burger sold out in just two weeks,” explained Singapore McDonalds culinary innovations engineer, Guy Hia, “so we asked ourselves, ‘how […]

High-Tech Train Will Get You To A Medieval Public Flogging In 4 Hours

  KUANTAN: At a special ground breaking ceremony, the government recently unveiled an RM55 billion, state of the art, modern, high-tech East Coast Rail Link (ECRL) which will allow urbanites to attend medieval public floggings after traveling only 4 hours. “This modern rail link will allow KL-ites heading into the 21st century to visit their […]

Italy Cuts Ties With M’sia For Crimes Against Natural Order Of Pizza

  ROME:  In a formal statement, Italy ended diplomatic ties with Malaysia this afternoon after a viral image of a ‘pizza tougeh’ was classified a crime against the natural order of pizza. .   A spokesman for Italy’s international diplomacy Pizza sanctity task-force Mario Tagliatelle said in a statement, “for many years we have quietly […]

Hipsters want to be known as Bangsa Bangsar

BSC2:  As the nation contemplates unity as a core concept of Youth and Sports Minister Khairy Jamaluddin’s TN50, some Malaysians have expressed a deep connection with some popular Telawi Street hangouts. “I’ve been coming here a long time,” explained one-time Bangsar party girl Emily Yap, “here I am brunching with my children only metres from […]

Night riders confident they can avoid tragedy by doing exact same thing

JOHOR BARU:  Teenage cyclists representing Johor’s thrill-seeking Mat Lajak community remained confident they could avoid the tragic death that befell their comrades hit by a car in February, if they just commit themselves to doing the exact same thing they did. “We will never forget our nine friends who needlessly died after a car hit […]

RM21.50 Per Pack For Cigarettes A Great Idea Say Smugglers

KOTA BARU:  Today the nation’s cigarette smugglers praised Deputy Health Minister Dr Hilmi Yahaya’s decision to increase the price of legal cigarettes to RM21.50 per packet. “Hiking the cost of legal cigarettes by 26.5% is going to make many smokers change their ways,” said professional cigarette smuggler Kid Kangkung stuffing contraband fags into his truck’s […]

M’sians Mourn Disney Decision To Pull Beauty & The Beast While Quietly Searching For Torrents

MALAYSIA:  Local cinema-goers today respected Disney’s decision to pull the Malaysian theatrical release of the Beauty and the Beast remake today while simultaneously quietly searching for a decent torrent of it on Pirate Bay. “I have to respect Disney’s decision not to pander to local censors by removing a controversial ‘gay moment’” said movie-buff Jennifer […]

Stress-free pricing plan lets M’sians freak out about petrol weekly instead of monthly

MALAYSIA: Today the nation applauded Domestic Trade, Cooperatives and Consumerism Minister Datuk Hamzah Zainuddin’s wise decision to replace the current system which had motorists freaking out about fuel prices each month with a much improved stress-free method which will have Malaysians freaking out about fuel prices every seven days. “This is much better than allowing […]

Malaysians laud returning Nokia 3310 until they realise it can’t take selfies

MALAYSIA:  Today nostalgic Malaysian gadget hunters lauded Nokia’s decision to resurrect the Nokia 3310 for the brief moments it took for them to realise the phone had no front-facing selfie camera and no Instagram. “Who buys a phone to actually talk to people?” asked one Malaysian, “It sounds like something people did in ancient times […]

Man Seriously Thinking About Removing Plastic Car Seat Covers From ’86 Proton Saga

KERTEH:  Today keropok quality inspector, Abdullah Bin Bakar shocked his family and friends by announcing he is seriously thinking of removing the manufacturer’s protective plastic seat covers from the backseat of his beloved 1986 Proton Saga. “The time has come,” read Abdullah in a statement to local reporters, “I love my Saga, but it’s not […]

Satisfying Terengganu Authorities, Unmarried Woman Commuter Weds Uber Driver

KUALA TERENGGANU:  Complying with the inevitable Religious Affairs requirements, 21-year-old civil servant, Fadzilah Binti Abang married her Uber ride-sharing pickup 31-year-old Abdullah Bin Bakar this morning before heading to her workplace. “You could say we rushed into this, but I wasn’t married and really needed the ride,” Fadzilah said in a statement, “traffic wasn’t heavy, […]

Exciting new mall has exact same shops as old mall

PETALING JAYA:   Tired of his regular hangouts, this week Peter Chin and family experienced the joy of visiting the exact same shops they normally frequent in an exciting new mall which just opened. “We started out having pancakes at the new mall’s Coffee Bean,” said Chin in a statement, “I haven’t had pancakes that tasted […]

20 Typically Malaysian News Stories You Will Read In 2017

Submitted by senior field correspondent EJ; 1. A foreign worker will slash another foreign worker because of a love triangle involving a third foreign worker.All three foreign workers will be from different countries. 2. A random snake will be wound up around a toilet bowl in a suburban town and scare the lady who saw […]

Angered by pro-Mahathir twin towers outfit, govt demands Miss Universe dress as MRT

KUALA LUMPUR:  Malaysia’s Kiran Jassal came under fire for her controversial outfit choice last night after she unveiled her entry into the flamboyant Miss Universe national costume contest. “Clearly Designers Rizman Nordin and Wan Ruzaini Wan Jamil are making some sort of subtle pro-Mahathirist statement by dressing our lovely Kiran Jassal as the twin towers,” […]

Mall Enters Malaysia Book Of Records For Throwing Out Biggest Uneaten Laksa

KUCHING:  Today, Plaza Merdeka Shopping Centre entered the Malaysia Book Of Records for the second time in two days after  throwing out the nation’s largest amount of ‘unhealthy’ day-old Sarawak laksa. “I don’t know why but Sarawak Local Government Minister Datuk Dr Sim Khui Hian and Chef Wan couldn’t be here for today’s ceremony,” said […]

Singaporean Hipsters Say RM20 Johor Entry Fee Still Not Enough To Look Cool Being Seen There

SINGAPORE:   For many years, Singaporeans have escaped their country’s oppressive crime-free cleanliness, and endless queues by fleeing to neighboring Malaysia.   In a friendly ‘tit for tat’ response to Singapore’s Vehicle Entry Permit (VEP) for Malaysian cars, our government will introduce a long-awaited RM20 entree fee for Singaporean vehicles entering via the causeway. “Why does Malaysia […]