Heroes Sell Nasi Lemak Due To Shortage Of Villain Opportunities

MALAYSIA – Today the government reminded Malaysians not to look down on qualified superheroes who despite their considerable powers sold nasi lemak by the roadside. “There’s no shame in costumed individuals driving Grabcars or selling nasi lemak.  The nation is producing more and more qualified heroes yet there are only so many supervillain battle positions […]

KL Malls To Outnumber Shoppers by 2040

KLANG VALLEY: Jubilant Property Developers have confirmed at the current pace of retail construction by 2040, each KL resident will have their own private shopping mall to visit. “It’s an exciting time in the retail sector as mall traffic dwindles while the number of new malls opening increases each year,” explained Hia Today Developments Bhd. […]

PM’s Erection Bigger Than Tun’s

KUALA LUMPUR: Local skyline endowment analysts confirmed today the Prime Minister’s new erection is officially bigger than his predecessor Tun Mahathir’s “The Exchange 106 located at the Tun Razak Exchange (TRX) was originally going to be only 92 stories high until the Indonesian contractors building it partnered with an Indo generic drug maker who added […]

MACC Chief Accused Of Doing To Mistress What Graft Is Doing To Nation

PUTRAJAYA: Today sources close to Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) chief commissioner Tan Sri Dzulkifli Ahmad confirmed the rumours he was doing to his mistress what corruption has been doing to the rakyat. “Clearly this smear campaign against Dzulkifli is aimed at stopping his good work fighting graft. Do we really need to know what consenting […]

18 Years Old Enough For Army But Too Young For Polling Booth

MALAYSIA: Today democratic experts hailed the nation’s current policy of allowing 18-year-olds to voluntarily join the armed forces and use firearms on the understanding they were too young to go into a GE14 polling booth. “The right to vote is something precious, and sacred,” said government democracy spokesman, Abdullah bin Bakar, “the 1.5 million Malaysians […]

Youths Protected From Despacito For The Seconds It Takes To Find On YouTube

    PUTRAJAYA:   Last night, Radio Televisyen Malaysia (RTM) ceased all broadcasts of the global smash hit song, Despacito on national TV and radio stations protecting the nation’s youth from its sexually charged themes for the valuable seconds it takes someone to find it on YouTube. “Once the old radio in the kitchen my […]

Thousands Forgive 1MDB Scandal After Riding MRT

    KAJANG: After an enjoyable ride along the new MRT Sungai Buloh-Kajang (SBK) line this morning, thousands of commuters announced they have forgiven Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak for the multi-billion ringgit 1MDB scandal. “I admit I had misgivings towards the Prime Minister and Barisan Nasional,” said one commuter, “particularly in April when 1MDB […]

Middle East Restores Ties After Remembering Qatar Owns Harrods

  LONDON:   Middle Eastern Gulf states including Saudi Arabia, UAE and Bahrain hastily restored all ties with Doha today after diplomatic intelligence revealed Qatar was planning a devastating counter-move for being cut off after talking to Iran. “Word has come from our Knightsbridge personal shoppers that Middle Eastern visitors must vacate the Qatar-owned Harrods of […]

PKR warned allowing wives as ‘bench warmer’ PMs sets dangerous precedent

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today political experts warned PKR’s strategy of allowing the wife of a PM to be a bench warming ‘interim PM’ could have unintended consequences. “Malaysians need to consider if the opposition does come to power it’s not impossible for the current Prime Minister to be imprisoned and HIS wife being nominated for a […]

Japanese Porn Studio Adopts Look Southeast Policy

  KUALA LUMPUR:   Today it was announced due to a serious shortage of male talent, Japan’s porn industry had adopted a ‘Look Southeast’ policy to build upon the relationship between the land of the rising sun and Malaysia, the land of the 2nd PM’s son. The look Southeast policy is the brainchild of visionary Japanese […]

Nation hit by Ed Sheeran scalped ticket ransomware

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Malaysians claimed an attack eerily similar to the WannaCry ransomware virus hit their work computers in the form of a Ed Sheeran live concert ticket scalper. “I’ve had a browser window open to StubHub all day,” confessed one fan who missed out on tickets before they sold out in 30 minutes […]

Chess players to wear clothes featuring tournament director’s mother

PETALING JAYA:  Parents of teenage competitors attending future National Scholastic Chess Tournaments are finalising their own not at all seductive to tournament director player dress guidelines it was revealed today. “If a tournament director considers a 12-year-old girl in a knee-length striped dress a ‘temptation’, maybe this tee-shirt featuring a picture of his mother might […]

Investors mourning JJPTR collapse begin search for new pyramid scheme

KUALA LUMPUR:    Today Malaysian investors keen for quick returns on their hard-earned money mourned the sudden demise of classic ‘money game’ JJPTR or JJ Poor to Rich while looking for a more trustworthy, new pyramid scheme to put their life savings into. “I need to find someone who can realistically make 20%  each month on […]

PM hopeful newly discovered alien life will lend us money

PUTRAJAYA:  Only weeks after launching Malaysia’s very own National Space Policy, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak welcomed the news of  NASA’s discovery of 7 earth-like planets capable of sustaining alien life. “The Prime Minister is a visionary statesman,” said celestial strengthening ties analyst, Abdullah bin Baker,  “he’s already anticipating a time when we […]

PM Demands Trump Reverse Muslim Ban In Powerful Daydream

PUTRAJAYA:  Today Malaysia’s Prime Minister and self-appointed champion of Muslims, Najib Abdul Razak, flayed US President Donald Trump over his policy to prevent Muslim refugees from entering the United States in a confrontational 15 minute daydream. “The PM looked pretty pleased with himself after nodding off for a few minutes,” a witness to the satisfying […]

Taiwan accuses Malaysia of stockpiling pearls, having Chatime bubble tea replacement programme

TAIPEI:  Today Taiwan beverage security officials accused Malaysia of having a secret Chatime bubble tea replacement programme. “It appears our disgruntled Malaysian franchisee Loob Holdings isn’t taking their termination lying down,” said Taiwan bubble tea enforcement minister Kao Ying-tai, “our intelligence suggests Malaysia is stockpiling high-grade sweet pearls as part of a programme to attack […]

Angered by pro-Mahathir twin towers outfit, govt demands Miss Universe dress as MRT

KUALA LUMPUR:  Malaysia’s Kiran Jassal came under fire for her controversial outfit choice last night after she unveiled her entry into the flamboyant Miss Universe national costume contest. “Clearly Designers Rizman Nordin and Wan Ruzaini Wan Jamil are making some sort of subtle pro-Mahathirist statement by dressing our lovely Kiran Jassal as the twin towers,” […]

Myanmar to retaliate, hold solidarity rally for Malaysia’s suffering Orang Asli

YANGON:  Today Malaysian foreign officials were shocked to hear Asean-partner Myanmar would be holding their own, well-publicised mass solidarity rally to defend Malaysia’s displaced Orang Asli next week. “These Gua Musang Orang Asli who should be given their own forest reserves by the government, have been driven from their ancestral forest lands by timber loggers,” […]

Guys pushing hand chop not doing much about tree chop

  GUA MUSANG:   Today the PAS-led Kelantan state government admitted it was too busy selling the idea of limb chop for Muslim thieves to do more to protect their own Temiar Orang Asli currently suffering the effects of tree chop. “Of course PAS is committed to defending the rights of minority groups,” a PAS spokesman […]

Soros – I Was Having So Much Fun Toppling Najib I Forgot To Topple Trump

WASHINGTON:  Today Malaysians blamed billionaire George Soros for being so distracted with his obsession with toppling Malaysia’s democratically elected government, that he completely forgot to rig the US election and save the planet from a Trump presidency. “I had it down in my diary to fix voting machines in US swing states,” a miserable Soros […]