God Sends Flood To Punish #UndiRosak Movement

KLANG VALLEY:  Religious experts on both sides of the political divide have confirmed this evening’s torrential rain and flooding is actually a sign from God that the #UndiRosak (spoilt vote) campaign is harmful to the democratic process. “The whole nation is struggling to come up with an analogy to get these disillusioned #UndiRosak supporters to […]

Anwar Visited By Long-Lost Uncle Khathir

KUALA LUMPUR: Touching scenes at Hospital Kuala Lumpur this afternoon as jailed defacto PKR leader, Anwar Ibrahim still recuperating from surgery was paid a surprise visit by his long-lost 92-year old Uncle Khathir. “We have a strict policy of only permitting close family or senior Barisan Ministers to visit convicts like Anwar,” a prison official […]

Man Who Made Fake Infant Formula Says Afterlife Warmer Than Expected

THE OTHER SIDE: Today a man who until recently made counterfeit infant formula confirmed the afterlife seemed ‘much warmer’ than he expected after suffering a heart attack over the weekend. “It all happened so suddenly,” the man confirmed, “one minute I was using melamine to make fake baby powder which causes illness, malnourishment or even […]

Fears Muslim-Only Laundries Spark Non-Muslim Beeromats

JOHOR:  Today religious authorities slammed a local Muslim only self-service laundromat warning if Malaysians were segregated along washing lines, there could be serious implications. “The sentiments between races in Malaysia is very (gentle spin for your) delicates,” explained front-loader tolerance analyst, Dr. Abdullah Bin Bakar, “If (permanent) pressed, Muslims could fall for this divisive spin […]

Immigration Officials Install Checkpoint Gay Scanners

BALIK PULAU:  Immigration authorities are on high alert this week after news broke of an illegal gay party scheduled for later this week. “We are using high-tech Gaydar screening devices at all Malaysian entry points to intercept homosexuals before they can enter the country,” an Immigration Dept spokesman explained, “Airports have upgraded existing facial recognition […]

Prasarana Chair Warns Of Twitter Crackdown On M’sians Not Using Public Transport

    KUALA LUMPUR: In a powerful statement, newly appointed Prasarana Chairperson, Tan Sri Khalid Abu Bakar vowed to pull out all the stops, rounding up Malaysians suspected of not utilising the public transport provider’s convenient LRT, Monorail, Rapid Rail and Rapid Bus services. “Some have questioned the PM’s choice of a retiring inspector-general of […]

N. Korea Backs Hadi – Agree Only Nationals Can Investigate Crimes Committed Abroad

  PYONGYANG:  PAS president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang who recently urged foreign powers not to meddle in Malaysia’s 1MDB even if it involved nationals committing crimes in their own foreign countries, found unlikely support today in the form of a mandatory-to-watch 1:00pm special broadcast on North Korean state television. “The Democratic People’s Republic of […]

RCI to probe 80s BNM losses now, 1MDB in 2047

  PUTRAJAYA:  Today Malaysia’s Cabinet confirmed it will set up a Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) to probe Bank Negara Malaysia’s (BNM) 1980s Forex losses immediately, whilst reminding the public 1MDB is not due to be investigated until 2047. “These billion ringgit scandal investigations need to be scheduled to a time where they can do […]

UUM lecturer reads Harry Potter, quits job to teach at Hogwarts

PETALING JAYA:  Still reeling after being tested by the Christian Bible stories in Selangor assembly speaker Hannah Yeoh’s book, today lecturer Kamarul Zaman Yusoff  found himself under the influence of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. “Kamarul found like with Hannah Yeoh’s book, Harry Potter contained so many suggestible paragraphs, he started to […]

KL Invaded By Foreigners Who Do Jobs We’d Rather Not Do

KUALA LUMPER: Today, the few Malaysians that didn’t ‘balik kampung’ out of KL, expressed shock at the masses of foreign workers hanging around the CBD as they do every raya. “Is this KL or Dhaka?” lamented a real Malaysian, “they should all be sent home, provided no one makes me or my loved ones do […]

Balik Kampung Traffic Will Be As Smooth As LGE’s Corruption Probe, Hopes Transport Ministry

MALAYSIA:  Transport ministry officials today reassured balik kampung motorists that everything possible was being done to ensure their journey home would be as quick and uninterrupted as the MACC investigation into Lim Guan Eng’s bungalow purchase. “Sometimes I like to think of each balik kampung motorist as its own little corruption investigation,” joked 2nd Transport […]

News Portals Reminded They Can Still Praise Govt Anyway They Like

KUALA LUMPUR: Today Umno welfare bureau chairman Datuk Shamsul Anuar Nasarah reminded the nation’s remaining news portals that despite last night’s closure of The Malaysian Insider, the government believed in press freedom. “We are big on freedom of speech and don’t want to stifle creativity,” said a party insider, “journalists should feel comfortable praising the […]

Supporters call for Malaysians to respect PM’s hashtag

CYBERSPACE:  Today supporters of the #RespectMyPM campaign came out in solidarity with the much ridiculed hashtag and called for Malaysian netizens to show the it more respect. “This #RespectMyPM hashtag has worked hard for the nation since it appeared on Twitter 3 days ago,” said loyal hashtag supporter  Faisal Bin Abang, “you may not agree […]

PAS launch own smartphone

KUANTAN:   Just days after Umno-branded smartphones made waves at the party AGM this week, PAS today announced their own party branded communications device. “The short message based PASPhone has a better service life than other smartphones on the market though like all phones, PAS phones may occasionally crash!” said Abdullah bin Bakar heading up the […]

Admiral Ackbar warns Tony Pua 1MDB debate sounds like something that rhymes with ‘it’s a crap!’

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Admiral Akbar intergalactic military commander of the Rebal Alliance expressed concern at Arul Kanda’s sudden willingness to be grilled by Tony Pua over 1MDB on live TV without conditions.   “It’s strange after running from the PAC probe in May, Arul Kanda is suddenly eager to answer questions,” said Ackbar in a […]

Boy Wearing Haze Costume This Halloween

MALAYSIA:  Despite our love for horror films, Halloween is not widely celebrated.  That may change this year thanks to some creative Malaysians keen to terrify others in exchange for drinks and/or candy.         “My son loves the haze costume he’s wearing this Halloween.  A few people said it’s in poor taste, but […]

At 31%, PM Still More Popular Than Haze, Bad Breath and Traffic Jams

KUALA LUMPUR:  Malaysians were relieved today to hear despite performing poorly in the latest Merdeka Center poll, our Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak is still more popular than other things researchers can think of. “The PM’s approval rating may have dropped from 48% one year ago to 31%, but he is still significantly more popular […]

Cash strapped Malaysians avoid expensive toll roads on way to buy Rose Gold iPhone 6S

KUALA LUMPUR: Today cost conscious motorists avoided the recently hiked tollways as they rushed out to to buy the newly released rose gold iPhone 6S. “I’ve saved RM5 today avoiding toll roads,” said a youngster heading to a Maxis outlet, “as soon as I get my iPhone 6S I’m going to use it to send […]

Govt announces shitty toll hike ahead of wonderful people’s budget

PUTRAJAYA:   This week Malaysia’s annual budget season kicked off with some traditional pre-budget toll rate increases so the PM can announce only good news in his upcoming budget 2016 speech. “We can’t have people booing the PM while he delivers an unpopular budget!” said a Finance Ministry spokesman. “It’s better to get all the bad […]

TPP Deal: US sends diplomatic grizzlies to Malaysia

WASHINGTON: To commemorate the nation’s participation in the 12 country Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP), today President Obama arranged for two diplomatic grizzly bears to be sent to Malaysia. “The President is very keen for American companies to gain access to Malaysian markets,” said a source on Capitol Hill, “we understand trading superpowers often send bears to […]