GE14 Will Be Fair, Anonymous Donor Confirms

JEDDAH: At a virtual press conference yesterday, the mysterious anonymous brotherly Saudi donor who was instrumental in Prime Minister Najib Razak’s GE13 victory by generously sending USD681 million to finance Barisan Nasional’s ‘election machinery’ agreed with the PM’s recent claim of no cheating in GE14. “Many will accuse the Malaysian government of cheating, but this […]

EC Celebrates Redelineation Exercise With Commemorative Pizza

KUALA LUMPUR:  Malaysia’s Election Commission (EC) in partnership with several fast-food chains released a special commemorative pizza today celebrating the almost-completed, completely fair and equitable, GE14 Selangor redelineation exercise. “The Selangor GE14 pizza is topped with delicious chicken sausage and chili distributed between carefully designated boundaries,” an EC spokesman explained assuring voters the pizza in […]

Revenge A Dish Best Served Old

KUALA LUMPUR: Days after he was unanimously chosen to lead the opposition into the 14th general election, many opposition supporters are still struggling to accept the best interim Prime Ministerial candidate to bring about essential democratic reforms is a 92-year-old former self-confessed, ‘benevolent dictator.’ “It’s not uncommon for politicians to defer retirement if they’re comfortably […]

PM Not Responsible for Felda Land Cockup But Blame For BNM Forex Losses Go All The Way To The Top

PUTRAJAYA: Exhaustive investigations into Felda land scandal and Bank Negara Malaysia forex losses have exposed a dramatic shift in the way the nation was governed in the 80’s compared with the current administration, it was revealed today. “Malaysians can all agree when it comes to Felda, the PM is not at all responsible for the […]

Yemenis Dodging Saudi Airstrikes Laud PM’s Palestine Rally

SAAD PROVINCE: Today Yemeni Muslims caught in the crossfire proxy war between suspected Iran-backed Houthi rebels and the Saudi-backed Yemeni government took time out from the conflict to laud Malaysian political parties Umno and PAS for their commitment to upholding the rights of all suffering Muslims at their Jerusalem rally today in Putrajaya. “Thank God […]

Azwan Ali To Star In New TV3 Sitcom ‘How I Screwed My Brother’

KUALA LUMPUR:  The entertainment industry was buzzing with excitement this evening after show business rumours hinted TV celebrity, Azwan Ali will soon be starring in his own TV3 sitcom. “Many of us had dismissed Azwan as a talentless girly man, but there’s something about his attention-seeking UMNO supporting reality TV performances lately that really caught […]

Scheme To Protect Pilgrims From Umrah Scams An Umrah Scam

PUTRAJAYA: Today the government lauded the Integrated Manasik Monitoring System (IMAMS) which successfully protected pilgrims from Umrah middlemen and scam artists after the system promptly identified itself as a Umrah middleman scam artist before self-destructing after only 24 hours of operations. “The IMAMS system successfully protected vulnerable pilgrims from being scammed out of RM90 which […]

Citizen Liow Slams MCA Beer Fest Backdown

PETALING JAYA:   Today enraged YouTube celebrity ‘Citizen Liow’ slammed MCA politicians for not doing enough to defend his rights following the cancellation of the 2017 Better Beer Festival. “Weeks ago some politician came into my house and after helping himself to coffee told me to believe in Malaysia,” ranted ‘Citizen Liow’ hurling his trademark White […]

PM Arrives For Trump Talks Sporting Bold New Look

  WASHINGTON: Arriving ahead of his first official meeting with Donald Trump since he became President, diplomatic officials close to Najib Razak confirmed the Malaysian PM will be showcasing a bold new look demonstrating his government’s commitment to boosting ties with the United States. “Najib spent most of the flight onboard ‘NR1’ prepping for his […]

White House: Trump Summons PM To Bend The Knee

    WASHINGTON: Officials in Putrajaya have confirmed receiving a diplomatic summons by raven last night from the Hand of US President Donald J. Trump of New York, Son of Fred Trump, Builder of Walls, Protector of the Realm, The Impeachable, Breaker of Oaths, King of Tweets, and Mother of Fuckers, for our Prime Minister […]

Retiring IGP Receives Congratulatory Calls From Well Wishers And Protection Racket Suspects

  KUALA LUMPUR: After announcing his retirement, sources close to Tan Sri Khalid Abu Bakar reported the outgoing Inspector-General of Police was touched by the many family friends who may, or may not be, protection racket suspects who took the time to call and personally wish him ‘all the best’ this morning. “Khalid is a […]

Royal Commission Inquiry Into Flag Blunder Only If Dr M Has CorelDRAW

  PUTRAJAYA: Sources today confirmed the government has not ruled out forming a pre-election Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) to investigate the error in printing the Indonesian flag upside down in the 29th SEA Games souvenir book if Dr. Mahathir has a registered copy of Coreldraw it was revealed today. “The police are keen to […]

DoJ Begs Viewers To Stop Returning ‘Dumb And Dumber To’ DVDs

WASHINGTON:  The U.S. Justice Department in a public statement today said there was no need for victims who had suffered through the poorly received, Red Granite produced, ‘Dumb and Dumber Too’ movie to hand their DVDs over to US prosecutors. “The DoJ is thankful to Miranda Kerr and Leonardo Dicaprio for returning jewelry and gifts […]

GST U-Turn: Govt Spares Elites Who Eat Long Beans

  NATION: ‘The masses’ as identified by Customs Department director-general Subramaniam Tholasy rejoiced today, after the government announced it will not be adding GST to 60 food items and cracking down on tax-avoiding consumers of luxuries such as tea, coffee, kuey teow, and bihun. “We initially thought those spinach and potato eating, Malaysian elites have […]

Tourist Tax Needed To Boost Industry Hit By Tourist Tax

  PUTRAJAYA:   Today experts confirmed the new Tourist Tax imposed on hotel stays is essential if the government wants to boost the travel industry which may suffer a setback from its introduction. “The Tourist Tax revenue collected will be spent on a special international advertising campaign to entice holidaymakers headed elsewhere to reconsider and pay […]

Gay Prevention Video Contest: Nation Fears Health Ministry Just Born That Way

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Today experts confirmed Health Ministry officials close to Public Health Deputy Director-General Lokman Hakim Sulaiman, couldn’t help ‘coming out’ as the type of people who believed homosexuality could be prevented by holding short video competitions. “I recall years ago, a young family member at a kenduri confessed he might be a Health Ministry […]

PAS insists only a Muslim should claim he’s not a public officer

ALOR SETAR:   PAS members reiterated today they would push for amendments to the Malaysian constitution that ensures only a Muslim can lead the country by not being a public officer. “It should be a necessity that only Muslims claim the coveted not a public officer post,” explained PAS member Abdullah Bin Baker, “this ensures the […]

Abu Dhabi: Govt spends US1.2bil on rug to sweep 1MDB under

UAE:  Today it was revealed Malaysian Second Finance Minister Datuk Johari Abdul Ghani and 1MDB’s group executive director, Arul Kandasamy capped off their low-key Abu Dhabi settlement by doing some shopping. “1MDB is finally on track to settle its long dispute with Abu Dhabi’s IPIC over the small matter of USD6.5billion ‘accidentally’ going to the […]

Hishammuddin’s Special Function To Include Not Being Zahid

KUALA LUMPUR:  Hours after his appointment as Special Functions Minister, sources in the Prime Minister’s Office confirmed Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein’s main special function will involve not being Deputy Prime Minister Ahmad Zahid Hamidi. “Hishammuddin who is already Defence Minister won’t take his new special functions responsibilities lightly,” a spokesman confirmed, “we expect he […]

Shah Alam Debate Cancelled For Safety Of Putrajaya Neighbours Only 30km Away

SHAH ALAM:  A scheduled debate between Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad and Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz at Sarangkraf Media Group Shah Alam was cancelled by police last night after fears the event would create a disturbance to Putrajaya neighbours living a mere 30KM from the venue. “If civilised discourse between about BNM and 1MDB was to […]