Cold Weather Causes Peninsula Shrinkage

MALAYSIA: MetMalaysia called for calm today as concerned motorists using the North-South Highway have reported reaching their destinations earlier than expected. “I thought Waze was playing up but I reached Johor after leaving KL just two hours ago,” said one driver, “my odometer says the journey was 270KM but I remember it being further than […]

Malaysians not voting say they’re waiting for the one

  NATION: Today Malaysians unwilling to accept the harsh reality of having to choose the least horrible Prime Minister from two unpalatable choices said they will be sitting out GE14 while they wait for Mr Right. “Some say politics is about compromise, but I refuse to settle for second best,” said a 21-year-old eligible Malaysian […]

AirAsia Introduces Stewardess Uniform Arousal Class

SEPANG: Today world-class budget airline AirAsia Berhard announced a new travel class option in response to recent parliamentary debates about flight crew uniforms. “Our new ‘Arousal Class’ is aimed at travelers who like Senator Datuk Megat Zulkarnain Omardin find AirAsia stewardess uniforms make their ‘cabin members’ cruise at higher altitudes than their wives would like,” […]

Artists Exhibit Pakatan GE14 Victory Hellscapes At Umno Assembly

KUALA LUMPUR: Local artists have unveiled a new exhibition at the entrance of the Umno General Assembly today giving delegates a taste of what awaits the nation should the DAP-lead Pakatan Harapan coalition succeed in toppling BN at the next General Election. “Many in the pro-government artistic community felt yesterday’s cartoons didn’t go far enough […]

Strong Robust Economy Will Completely Collapse If Criticised

KUALA LUMPUR: Economic experts agreeing with Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Abdul Rahman Dahlan confirmed even though the rock-solid Malaysian Economy is robust and built on sound fundamentals, it could totally collapse if criticised by irresponsible media outlets like the Malaysian Insight and Edge Weekly. “The Malaysian economy is like a turtle. […]

Fake Dentist Ready To Give Brain Surgery A Go

  PETALING JAYA: Self-taught 20-year-old dentist, Nur Farahanis Ezatty Adli or “Naraswaraa” on Instagram, confirmed after her prison release today, that she was ready to move on from orthodontics, and would like to try her hand at brain surgery. “Nara spent last night watching YouTube biopsy and craniotomy procedures along with that Season 3 Episode […]

Angered By Late Payment, Abu Dhabi Splashes 1MDB Office With Hummus

KUALA LUMPUR:  The nation suffered humiliation in the form of hummus this evening after the offices of 1MDB were attacked by Middle Eastern debt collectors throwing chickpea dip to shame the troubled wealth fund. “Abu Dhabi’s state-owned IPIC fund is furious after 1MDB missed a previously agreed USD600 million payment for joint-guaranteed bonds due to […]

If Only Her VISA Card Was Fake Too, Nazri Says

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Sources close to Tourism and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz confirmed today the viral image of his wife’s official-looking Tourism Ministry ‘Spouse-Minister’ business card was a fake . “Nazri initially got his hopes up when he heard his young wife had a fake card,” explained a Tourism Ministry official, “but sadly […]

Ku Nan: Stop illegal immigration by making M’sia a place no one wants to go

  KUALA LUMPUR:  On the heels of his suggestion women could avoid harassment by perverts if they only dressed shabbily enough, Federal Territories Minister Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor dazzled his audience last night with more ingenious suggestions to address the rakyat’s concerns as part of the ongoing Tranformasi Nasional 2050 (TN50) dialogue sessions. […]

‘Buffering’ Harapan logo symbolizes long wait for coalition to get its shit together

  KUALA LUMPUR:   Today supporters voiced their approval of a proposed Pakatan Harapan coalition logo featuring a buffering symbol. “This buffering Harapan logo symbolises the seemingly endless wait for the opposition to go beyond individual members highlighting the government’s kleptocracy, and provide details of coalition policies to boost the economy, strategy to form a capable […]

M’sia can kiss the PM’s RM150bil Indian investment deals goodbye, Modi tells poet Perlis Mufti

NEW DELHI:  Today a spokesman for Indian Prime Minister Narenda Modi had a message to all Malaysians in response to the delightful poem Perlis Mufti Datuk Dr Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin admitted he had directed at his government and not certain Malaysians as originally thought. “Our Prime Minister would like to inform Malaysia and the […]

Man proves donations really go to orphans by showing photocopies

CHOW KIT:  Today a man walking into restaurants collecting donations on behalf of needy children said he is absolutely not keeping the money he is receiving, and proved it by displaying poor quality photocopies of photocopies in a binder. “See this binder?” he asked several diners wishing they could finish their claypot rice, “I wouldn’t […]

DOJ to M’sian IGP: Sorry about N. Korea. It really sucks when people say your probe is a conspiracy!

WASHINGTON:  Today, a spokesman for the US Department of Justice kleptocracy division sympathised with Malaysian police who were told by North Korean authorities they would not accept the results of their investigation into the murder of Kim Jong-un’s half brother. “Yes we here at the US DoJ know only too well when a crime is […]

BR1M not a bribe but handy for staging pre-election photo ops

PUTRAJAYA:  Today Barisan National experts confirmed while 1Malaysia People’s Aid (BR1M) is not a bribe, staging orchestrated handouts in front of the media, hasn’t exactly hurt the PM’s popularity with voters. “BR1M is all about helping the needy, and nobody is more needy when it comes to needing to keep his job, than the Prime […]

1MDB board confirms China bailout by knowing nothing about it

KUALA LUMPUR:   Today 1MDB gave the clearest signal yet it was indeed in private talks with China to bail out a US$6.5bn debt to Abu Dhabi’s state-owned International Petroleum Investment Company after chairman of the week, Tan Sri Dr Mohd Irwan Serigar Abdullah claimed he knew nothing about it. “Malaysians are very familiar now with […]

“The Govt Shut Another News Portal!” Screams Man With Ad Blocker

PETALING JAYA:   28-year-old Kevin Kok, who spends 30 minutes a day reading free news on his iphone and laptop with ad blockers turned on, today blasted the government for shutting down yet another website dedicated to providing thought-provoking, independent news. “First the Malaysian Insider was shut by the government for ‘commercial reasons’, and now another […]

PM Avoids Mentioning Dr M By Name In Case He’s Like Voldemort

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today in a fiery speech, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Abdul Razak warned a ’91-year-old man’ and ‘past leader’ was trying to topple the government without mentioning the man by name. “The PM has asked his Ministers not to speak of you-know-who out loud as talking about he-who-must-not-be-named might give him powers or […]

Inspired By PM, Mugabe Launches 1ZDB

PUTRAJAYA:  After a surprise 45-minute meeting with Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Razak yesterday, President Mugabe announced he was so impressed after learning of the Malaysian leader’s brainchild wealth fund, he would soon launch a Zimbabwean one of his own. “Having a One Zimbabwean Development Board (1ZDB) will be the perfect way to enrich our […]

Pen-Pineapple As Annoying As Pen-PetroSaudi Deal, Malaysians Say

MALAYSIA:  Today Malaysian netizens admitted the annoying Japanese techno song mind worm ‘Pen-Pineapple-Apple-Pen’ was almost as infuriating as the Prime Minister’s own viral hit ‘pen-1MDB Petrosaudi offshore payment.’ “Like when I think about the stalled 1MDB investigations, every time I see that stupid DJ Piko-Taro, I just want to punch something,” said an enraged netizen, […]

EC Proposes SEA Games Finish Line Redelineation Exercise

PUTRAJAYA:  Today the Election Commission (EC) suggested a finish line redelineation exercise for next year’s SEA Games. “SEA Games participants should accept Malaysia has its own principals of free and fair competition,” an EC official explained, “if start and finish lines were redrawn, we could win in contests we’d normally lose.   With the right […]