Govt Asks Robert Kuok For 30% Share Of Memoir Profits

HONG KONG: With copies of Robert Kuok’s memoir reportedly selling out across Asia, Malaysian officials have requested the 94-year-old tycoon allocate a share of the book’s proceeds to the government. “We initially had no plans to take a 30% share of the book,” Malaysian International Trade and Biography spokesman, Abdullah Abu Bakar confessed, “but the […]

Tony Fernandes Bachelorhood Departs On Schedule

  COTE D’AZUR: The bachelorhood of AirAsia boss Tan Sri Tony Fernandes departed on time today in a touching ceremony. “Guests were admitted to the quiet celebration in order of their seating rows and after a quick safety briefing, Tony’s bachelorhood took off without any problems,” said one eyewitness. The newlyweds were reportedly very satisfied […]

New SPAD Chair Isa Samad Announces Major Investment In Fidget Spinners

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Tan Sri Isa Samad wasted no time after assuming the Chairmanship of The Land Public Transport Commission (SPAD) today, by announcing the Commission would be investing heavily to corner the lucrative global Fidget Spinner market. “Felda Global Ventures lost RM13.4 Billion in shareholder value after RM850million worth of questionable money-losing ventures including an […]

Staff sitting through corporate training warn lunch better be good

PENANG:   After sitting through yet another hour of long-winded presentations, the employees of Hia Today Bhd remained hopeful the hotel hosting their motivational corporate training this year would put on a decent lunch. “Value centred leadership, quality performance indicators, something something agility, OK I get it, but are we eating at the hotel buffet or […]

AirAsia US Flights To Be Mostly Americans Fleeing Trump Presidency

SEPANG:  Today AirAsia confirmed it was confident newly announced flights between the United States and Asia will be far more successful than the previously abandoned AirAsia X long-haul European services. “Since the U.S. Federal Aviation Administration approval went public, we’ve been flooded with interest from desperate American refugees escaping Donald Trump’s Presidency.” a spokesman for […]

Botched Circumcision Doctor Opens Penis Ring Removal Clinic

JOHOR:  Malaysian men hoping to boost sexual performance/pleasure by squeezing their ‘KL towers’ into tight-fitting metallic rings, welcomed a new metallic penis ring removal specialty clinic opening here today. “After recent mishaps prevented me from performing circumcisions, my new clinic lets me prove to health ministry officials I still have the surgical chops required to […]

New 1MDB auditor Parker Randall begins tough task of reading through hundreds of scribbled napkins

KUALA LUMPUR:  Newly appointed 1MDB auditor Parker Randall admitted they had taken on more than they bargained for last night, after the self-confessed ‘alternative to the big four audit firms’ received ten boxes of hastily scribbled cocktail napkins along with other financial documents from their newest client. “We knew 1MDB would be a challenge after […]

Peaceful Bersih Rallies Bad For Business, Say Tear Gas Suppliers

KUALA LUMPUR:  Local eye irritant manufacturer, Tears Today Gone Tomorrow Bhd, announced poor sales results this weekend, saying Bersih 5 participants should take responsibility for their good behaviour by compensating the company for its business losses. “Malaysia doesn’t have nearly as many violent rallies as we would like,” said Marketing Manager, Abdullah Bin Bakar, “Bersih […]

Husband To ‘Strengthen Ties’ With Ah Long

BUKIT JELUTONG:   Today, 42-year-old Abdullah Bin Bakar declared to his family, he will be ‘strengthening his friendship’ with his Ah Long after attending  a series of meetings that took their relationship to an ‘all time high.’ “My husband signed a Memorandum of Understanding (MOU) for investment deals sure to ‘strengthen ties’ between our family and […]

Restaurant caught giving Sydney authentic taste of Malaysian foreign worker exploitation

SYDNEY:  The manager of a popular Malaysian eatery in Sydney’s Chinatown, today claimed their practice of underpaying employees was part of their dedication to offering an authentically Malaysian Mamak experience to their Aussie diners. “We paid our workers only A$11 an hour instead of the A$17 they were legally entitled to as part of our […]

Strike Over Ride-Sharing Forces Customers To Try Ride-Sharing

KUALA LUMPUR:  Enraged by news the Land Public Transport Commission (SPAD) has plans to legalise convenient ride-sharing services such as Uber and GrabCar, cabbies today announced a 6 day strike which will punish customers by leaving them little choice but to try out convenient ride-sharing services such as Uber and GrabCar. “These ride-sharing apps are […]

Rayani Air Promises To Refund Customers In The Afterlife

LANGKAWI:  Today grounded Shariah-compliant airline, Rayani Air told customers whose refund cheques had bounced, to not lose hope in getting their money back. “We have no money, no flying license and no office you can visit, in this life,” said Rayani Air in a Facebook statement, “our only hope is if some angel investor gives […]

KLIA2 Should Be Called Long-Walk Carrier Terminal 2 (LWCT2), Say Passengers

SEPANG:  Today loyal AirAsia passengers rejected group CEO Tan Sri Tony Fernandes’ suggestion KLIA2 should be called Low-Cost Carrier Terminal 2 (LCCT2) saying the new name fails to reflect the actual experience of walking through the MAHB’s massive travel hub. “I spent 6 months training to do the walk to Everest base camp once,” said […]

Rayani Air Suspends Operations While Crew Cover Plane’s Aurat

LANGKAWI:  Today Rayani Air suspended operations after initial attempts to cover the Boeing 737’s aurat led to problems retracting landing gear. “Rayani Air takes its syariah compliant credentials very seriously,” said customer relations manager Abdullah bin Bakar, “stranded passengers booked on cancelled flights must understand our pilots won’t fly until all staff, passengers and aircraft […]

Maxis CEO furious after learning local pub giving better prices to new customers

PLAZA DAMANSARA:  Norwegian expat and Maxis CEO Morten Lundal took to social media last night upon discovering that the Guinness pint package prices he was paying  as a regular at the Slug and Lettuce English pub was higher than the establishment was offering casual drinkers who threatened to leave.   However, Slug and Lettuce manager, […]

No check-in bags to Europe: Passengers help MAS save even more fuel by flying Etihad

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Malaysian Airlines passengers destined for Europe helped the carrier save jet fuel by not only not-checking their own luggage, but also by putting themselves on other carriers. “These European headwinds are very serious,” said a MAS spokesman, “fortunately they stopped affecting our London flights once we remembered how profitable that route is.  […]

IKEA accused of using tempting furniture to sell meatballs

CHERAS:  Today Malaysian shoppers said Swedish retailer IKEA were taking advantage of the Malaysian obsession with designer furniture to push customers into their restaurant. “I didn’t plan on eating here,” said a Malaysian trying some salmon, “but I can’t resist a good sofa.  IKEA deliberately designs their stores such in a way that you can’t […]

Syariah-compliant Rayani Air serves shisha in men’s class

LANGKAWI: Today Malaysia’s newest airline, Shariah-Compliant Rayani Air announced hookah pipes will be available to all passengers rug seated in men’s class. “Men have the option of smoking apple, mint or strawberry tobacco once we take off,”said Rayani customer service manager Fadzillah binti Abang, “Women passengers will be reminded to retreat to the rear of […]

MAS stops flying all routes to regain profitability

KLIA:  Today, Malaysia Airlines (MAS) announced it will cease flying to Paris, Amsterdam and all other destinations as part of a bold rationalisation exercise to restore it to profitability. “The national carrier needs to stop flying unprofitable routes,” said an airline spokesman, “so we’ve had to scrap all domestic and international destinations under our aggressive […]

Passengers told to hold in sneezes on all AirAsia flights

KUALA LUMPUR:  Hit by multiple flight delays and cancellations due to an unprecedented outbreak of pilot’s flu, today AirAsia cabin crews advised all passengers they are to refrain from sneezing on-board the flight. “Because we are Short staffed of pilots, AirAsia have added no-sneezing to our regular no-smoking, no-handphones onboard safety policy,” said an AirAsia […]