Author: Editor

Zakir Naik proves he’s a PR-worthy adopter of M’sian habits by telling India he’s ‘on the way’

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Malaysian Home Ministry officials defended the decision to award Islamic televangelist Dr Zakir Naik permanent resident status as the controversial preacher had adopted ‘typically Malaysian’ habits. “The only way a foreigner can attain PR status is if they display typically Malaysian values,” explained 3rd Home Minister Abdullah Abu Bakar, “ just last […]

Hishammuddin’s Special Function To Include Not Being Zahid

KUALA LUMPUR:  Hours after his appointment as Special Functions Minister, sources in the Prime Minister’s Office confirmed Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein’s main special function will involve not being Deputy Prime Minister Ahmad Zahid Hamidi. “Hishammuddin who is already Defence Minister won’t take his new special functions responsibilities lightly,” a spokesman confirmed, “we expect he […]

Night riders confident they can avoid tragedy by doing exact same thing

JOHOR BARU:  Teenage cyclists representing Johor’s thrill-seeking Mat Lajak community remained confident they could avoid the tragic death that befell their comrades hit by a car in February, if they just commit themselves to doing the exact same thing they did. “We will never forget our nine friends who needlessly died after a car hit […]

Shah Alam Debate Cancelled For Safety Of Putrajaya Neighbours Only 30km Away

SHAH ALAM:  A scheduled debate between Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad and Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz at Sarangkraf Media Group Shah Alam was cancelled by police last night after fears the event would create a disturbance to Putrajaya neighbours living a mere 30KM from the venue. “If civilised discourse between about BNM and 1MDB was to […]

Biawak Screws Kelantan Biawak

KELANTAN: Local reptile researchers witnessed a fascinating display of monitor lizard courtship rituals last night, as an enormous biawak grew tired of the smaller Kelantan biawak carrying it on its shoulder and abruptly decided to screw it. “Some may think the bigger biawak toying with the smaller one before suddenly fucking it was cruel, but […]

RM21.50 Per Pack For Cigarettes A Great Idea Say Smugglers

KOTA BARU:  Today the nation’s cigarette smugglers praised Deputy Health Minister Dr Hilmi Yahaya’s decision to increase the price of legal cigarettes to RM21.50 per packet. “Hiking the cost of legal cigarettes by 26.5% is going to make many smokers change their ways,” said professional cigarette smuggler Kid Kangkung stuffing contraband fags into his truck’s […]

M’sians Mourn Disney Decision To Pull Beauty & The Beast While Quietly Searching For Torrents

MALAYSIA:  Local cinema-goers today respected Disney’s decision to pull the Malaysian theatrical release of the Beauty and the Beast remake today while simultaneously quietly searching for a decent torrent of it on Pirate Bay. “I have to respect Disney’s decision not to pander to local censors by removing a controversial ‘gay moment’” said movie-buff Jennifer […]

PM injured after patting himself on the back too hard for GST

PUTRAJAYA:  Following his Doctor’s recommendation, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak cut short a planned one-hour speech last night praising himself for the introduction the GST. “I have some concerns for the PM’s health as he continues to campaign for his reelection,” explained Najib’s personal physician, Dr Abdullah bin Bakar, “all this patting himself […]

Malaysian censors say gay character spoiled family friendly tale of female abduction

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Malaysian censors defended their decision to indefinitely postpone the new Disney live action remake of Beauty and the Beast, a heartwarming  tale involving female abduction, slavery and dancing with a buffalo, on account of one gay character ruining the entire family friendly movie. “There’s nothing wrong about enjoying a wholesome movie suggesting young […]

Man proves donations really go to orphans by showing photocopies

CHOW KIT:  Today a man walking into restaurants collecting donations on behalf of needy children said he is absolutely not keeping the money he is receiving, and proved it by displaying poor quality photocopies of photocopies in a binder. “See this binder?” he asked several diners wishing they could finish their claypot rice, “I wouldn’t […]

Stress-free pricing plan lets M’sians freak out about petrol weekly instead of monthly

MALAYSIA: Today the nation applauded Domestic Trade, Cooperatives and Consumerism Minister Datuk Hamzah Zainuddin’s wise decision to replace the current system which had motorists freaking out about fuel prices each month with a much improved stress-free method which will have Malaysians freaking out about fuel prices every seven days. “This is much better than allowing […]

Staff sitting through corporate training warn lunch better be good

PENANG:   After sitting through yet another hour of long-winded presentations, the employees of Hia Today Bhd remained hopeful the hotel hosting their motivational corporate training this year would put on a decent lunch. “Value centred leadership, quality performance indicators, something something agility, OK I get it, but are we eating at the hotel buffet or […]

Govt fights fake news by blasting Bernama updates at Penang

KEDAH:  Heeding Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak’s recent call to fight fake news bent on toppling his democratically-elected government, today Malaysia’s Communications Ministry begun blasting government sanctioned Bernama press releases over loudspeaker across the Melacca Straits. “Penang residents living under the shadow of the DAP state government are susceptible to a constant barrage of false […]

Saudi king’s departure proof RM2.6b donation was returned, expert says

KUALA LUMPUR:   Just like the Saudi Arabian King Salman Abdul Aziz Al Saud’s official visit to Malaysia proved the RM2.6 billion donation received by Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak was genuine, his departure today has proved the money has also departed, a leading expert said today. “The King leaving today was concrete proof most of […]

Malaysians laud returning Nokia 3310 until they realise it can’t take selfies

MALAYSIA:  Today nostalgic Malaysian gadget hunters lauded Nokia’s decision to resurrect the Nokia 3310 for the brief moments it took for them to realise the phone had no front-facing selfie camera and no Instagram. “Who buys a phone to actually talk to people?” asked one Malaysian, “It sounds like something people did in ancient times […]

Jho Low Wins Oscar For Role In ‘Hidden Figures’

HOLLYWOOD:   Malaysian-born Jho Low has won an Oscar for best supporting role in the lavish Malaysian taxpayer-financed, international production of 1MDB’s ‘Hidden Figures’ today.   The playboy overcame serious competition from Chinese, Nigerian and Ugandan ‘balance sheet figure hiders’ to win the gold. “Jho Low’s star has shone brightly for several years but until recent international […]

PM hopeful newly discovered alien life will lend us money

PUTRAJAYA:  Only weeks after launching Malaysia’s very own National Space Policy, Prime Minister Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak welcomed the news of  NASA’s discovery of 7 earth-like planets capable of sustaining alien life. “The Prime Minister is a visionary statesman,” said celestial strengthening ties analyst, Abdullah bin Baker,  “he’s already anticipating a time when we […]

Auditor General downloads trial version of Quickbooks

PETALING JAYA:  Tan Sri Dr Madinah Mohamad wasted no time as Malaysia’s new Auditor General this morning by clicking the download button and installing a trial version of the Quickbooks accounting package onto her work computer. “Some may doubt Madinah’s lack of qualifications, but once she’s done familiarising herself with accounting software, she’ll be more […]

Malaysia tells N. Korea: We only compromise investigations involving our Prime Minister

PETALING JAYA:  Today officials close to Foreign Minister Datuk Seri Anifah Aman hit out at North Korea’s baseless, delusional allegations and distrust of Malaysia’s investigation into the murder of Kim Jong-nam. “The foreign office assures that Malaysia has no interest in putting North Korea in a poor light as doing so has no bearing on […]

BN announce nationwide tour to explain why taxpayer funds will be spent on 90s forex losses roadshow

KUALA LUMPUR:   UMNO and Barisan Nasional component parties announced they will be going on a nationwide tour to explain to the rakyat why we need Tan Sri Annuar Musa’s roadshow to inform the public about the Cabinet’s decision to suddenly probe Bank Negara’s foreign exchange losses from the 90s and why 1MDB doesn’t deserve similar […]