Author: Editor

Middle East Restores Ties After Remembering Qatar Owns Harrods

  LONDON:   Middle Eastern Gulf states including Saudi Arabia, UAE and Bahrain hastily restored all ties with Doha today after diplomatic intelligence revealed Qatar was planning a devastating counter-move for being cut off after talking to Iran. “Word has come from our Knightsbridge personal shoppers that Middle Eastern visitors must vacate the Qatar-owned Harrods of […]

Gay Prevention Video Contest: Nation Fears Health Ministry Just Born That Way

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Today experts confirmed Health Ministry officials close to Public Health Deputy Director-General Lokman Hakim Sulaiman, couldn’t help ‘coming out’ as the type of people who believed homosexuality could be prevented by holding short video competitions. “I recall years ago, a young family member at a kenduri confessed he might be a Health Ministry […]

PAS Calls For Melbourne Airport Alcohol Ban

PETALING JAYA:  Today PAS members called for a complete alcohol ban at all Australian airports after it was revealed the drunk mental patient who tried to ‘blow up’ flight MH128 was already intoxicated when he boarded the plane. “MH128 departed Melbourne airport at 11:11PM Wednesday night with the hijacking attempt concurring at 11:28PM, only minutes […]

FMN TURNS 5! We share our best headlines. Also,why fake news sucks (but satire is good for you)

  FMN turns 5 next week so we’re taking a break from breaking news to look back at the nation’s most pointless website.  This article may be of interest to those curious to know what goes on behind the scenes and how our satire sausages are made. HOW FMN BEGAN In late May 2012, we […]

PKR warned allowing wives as ‘bench warmer’ PMs sets dangerous precedent

KUALA LUMPUR:  Today political experts warned PKR’s strategy of allowing the wife of a PM to be a bench warming ‘interim PM’ could have unintended consequences. “Malaysians need to consider if the opposition does come to power it’s not impossible for the current Prime Minister to be imprisoned and HIS wife being nominated for a […]

Japanese Porn Studio Adopts Look Southeast Policy

  KUALA LUMPUR:   Today it was announced due to a serious shortage of male talent, Japan’s porn industry had adopted a ‘Look Southeast’ policy to build upon the relationship between the land of the rising sun and Malaysia, the land of the 2nd PM’s son. The look Southeast policy is the brainchild of visionary Japanese […]

State govt asked how contractors can afford RM180,000 trees not dead, only hibernating

KUALA TERENGGANU:  Today botanists confirmed like the exotic trees seen on Bandar Baharu Kuala Nerus, the state government who awards generous landscaping contracts was not dead, only hibernating from people asking certain questions. “This particular strain of Terengganu state government shuts down when questioned about why contractors would pay RM180,000 for an exotic Brazilian silk […]

Ku Nan: Stop illegal immigration by making M’sia a place no one wants to go

  KUALA LUMPUR:  On the heels of his suggestion women could avoid harassment by perverts if they only dressed shabbily enough, Federal Territories Minister Datuk Seri Tengku Adnan Tengku Mansor dazzled his audience last night with more ingenious suggestions to address the rakyat’s concerns as part of the ongoing Tranformasi Nasional 2050 (TN50) dialogue sessions. […]

UUM lecturer reads Harry Potter, quits job to teach at Hogwarts

PETALING JAYA:  Still reeling after being tested by the Christian Bible stories in Selangor assembly speaker Hannah Yeoh’s book, today lecturer Kamarul Zaman Yusoff  found himself under the influence of J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. “Kamarul found like with Hannah Yeoh’s book, Harry Potter contained so many suggestible paragraphs, he started to […]

Nation hit by Ed Sheeran scalped ticket ransomware

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Today Malaysians claimed an attack eerily similar to the WannaCry ransomware virus hit their work computers in the form of a Ed Sheeran live concert ticket scalper. “I’ve had a browser window open to StubHub all day,” confessed one fan who missed out on tickets before they sold out in 30 minutes […]

Arrested JJPTR staff offer police 20% bail per month

GEORGE TOWN:  Employees of controversial investment syndicate JJ Poor To Rich (JJPTR) who were arrested over the weekend, offered Penang police a ‘better life’ in return for their quick release it was revealed today. “The 19 arrested JJPTR staff explained after the mysterious loss of US$400 million, they couldn’t afford to pay the full bail […]

‘Buffering’ Harapan logo symbolizes long wait for coalition to get its shit together

  KUALA LUMPUR:   Today supporters voiced their approval of a proposed Pakatan Harapan coalition logo featuring a buffering symbol. “This buffering Harapan logo symbolises the seemingly endless wait for the opposition to go beyond individual members highlighting the government’s kleptocracy, and provide details of coalition policies to boost the economy, strategy to form a capable […]

PAS insists only a Muslim should claim he’s not a public officer

ALOR SETAR:   PAS members reiterated today they would push for amendments to the Malaysian constitution that ensures only a Muslim can lead the country by not being a public officer. “It should be a necessity that only Muslims claim the coveted not a public officer post,” explained PAS member Abdullah Bin Baker, “this ensures the […]

Chess players to wear clothes featuring tournament director’s mother

PETALING JAYA:  Parents of teenage competitors attending future National Scholastic Chess Tournaments are finalising their own not at all seductive to tournament director player dress guidelines it was revealed today. “If a tournament director considers a 12-year-old girl in a knee-length striped dress a ‘temptation’, maybe this tee-shirt featuring a picture of his mother might […]

Scientists discover 11,000y/o Perak Man kept younger mistress in Penang

KELAPA BATAS:  After the exciting recent discovery of a Neolithic female skeleton in Guar Kepah, local archeologists believe they have uncovered the famous Perak Man’s secret mistress he’d been keeping in Penang. “Many archeologists at the Perak Man dig suspected he might have a mistress seeing the skeleton seems to have died with a smile […]

Investors mourning JJPTR collapse begin search for new pyramid scheme

KUALA LUMPUR:    Today Malaysian investors keen for quick returns on their hard-earned money mourned the sudden demise of classic ‘money game’ JJPTR or JJ Poor to Rich while looking for a more trustworthy, new pyramid scheme to put their life savings into. “I need to find someone who can realistically make 20%  each month on […]

M’sia can kiss the PM’s RM150bil Indian investment deals goodbye, Modi tells poet Perlis Mufti

NEW DELHI:  Today a spokesman for Indian Prime Minister Narenda Modi had a message to all Malaysians in response to the delightful poem Perlis Mufti Datuk Dr Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin admitted he had directed at his government and not certain Malaysians as originally thought. “Our Prime Minister would like to inform Malaysia and the […]

Abu Dhabi: Govt spends US1.2bil on rug to sweep 1MDB under

UAE:  Today it was revealed Malaysian Second Finance Minister Datuk Johari Abdul Ghani and 1MDB’s group executive director, Arul Kandasamy capped off their low-key Abu Dhabi settlement by doing some shopping. “1MDB is finally on track to settle its long dispute with Abu Dhabi’s IPIC over the small matter of USD6.5billion ‘accidentally’ going to the […]

Hipsters want to be known as Bangsa Bangsar

BSC2:  As the nation contemplates unity as a core concept of Youth and Sports Minister Khairy Jamaluddin’s TN50, some Malaysians have expressed a deep connection with some popular Telawi Street hangouts. “I’ve been coming here a long time,” explained one-time Bangsar party girl Emily Yap, “here I am brunching with my children only metres from […]

Zairil’s ‘fake photo’ defence inspires thousands caught by speed cameras

KUALA LUMPUR:   Today the 10,000 plus motorists caught on speed camera by the Road Transport Department, agreed with Bukit Bendera MP Zairil Khir Johari’s argument that incriminating photos aren’t always genuine. “I can totally relate to the difficult position Zairil is in,” said KL motorist Abdullah Abu Bakar, “look at this summons I received today.  […]