Author: Editor

Mat salleh sperm bank flees Malaysian sex machine

Submitted by White Men Can’t Hump Editor, KUALA LUMPUR:  Today the nation put aside concerns about the Fitch downgrade of Malaysia, higher petrol prices, corruption, and ‘Tanda Putera’ with the racial tension it inspires, to learn about a white man under police protection from the insatiable sexual desires of his Malaysian ex girlfriend.  Mr John […]

Motorists queue ahead of economic rhetoric increase

Submitted by Fossil Fuels Editor, MALAYSIA:  Motorists across the country queued  last night for RON95 petrol before the government’s unexpected 20sen increase took hold.  FMN was on hand to chat to some of those filling up one last tank full at RM2.10 per litre. “It’s a special night for Malaysians,” said one hopeful lady filling […]

New documentary ‘Tanda Fiksyen’ imagines racial clashes at Penang Cinema

Submitted by Biased Historical Documentary Editor, PENANG:  A controversial film shot only last Saturday afternoon was screened for movie critics last night in Kuala Lumpur ahead of a national cinematic release.  The new documentary titled ‘Tanda Fiksyen’ depicts imaginary racial clashes at the Megamall Pinang cinema on the 30th August 2013, the night a racially […]

African condominium bans Malaysians

Submitted by Racist Condominium editor, JOHANNESBURG:   In the well-to-do suburb of Sandton, a group of apartment owners at the exclusive African Winds Apartments  have had enough of the antics of misbehaving tenants and issued a ban to all Malaysians.   The decision was made last week at the owner’s Annual General Meeting and FMN was on […]

Mugabe to Malaysia: What’s up with your democracy?

Submitted by The people have (sort of) spoken Editor, HARARE ZIMBABWE:  Robert Mugabe at the spritely age of 89 was recently sworn in for another five-year oppressive Presidential term after a thumping victory over his cry baby three-time loser opponent Morgan Tsvangirai.   As both Zimbabwe and Malaysia share a common British Colonial history, he had […]

Man uses ‘Barisan style’ re-election campaign to win back wife

Submitted by Marital Strife Editor SEREMBAN:  Baharom Bin Nasir reluctantly dissolved his marriage weeks ago and has taken the unusual step of deploying a re-election campaign similar to the government’s to continue his term as husband. “My caretaker husband is a strong UMNO supporter,” said Nur Shalin, “So I should have expected this.  He started […]

Malaysian First Lady films cameo for Hobbit Film Sequel

Submitted by Middle Earth Geek Editor, WELLINGTON:  New Line Cinema and film director Peter Jackson expressed their thanks to the Malaysian First Lady this week for her  contribution and cameo in the forthcoming Hobbit sequel to be released late this year. Director Jackson told FMN, “Audiences today particularly Tolkien fans have very high expectations for […]

‘1Malaysia can mean anything you like’ admits government.

Submitted by 1Editor,     PUTRA JAYA:  The government has assembled an Illuminati of the world’s finest minds in a futile attempt to fathom the meaning of the Prime Minister’s ingeniously vague 1Malaysia policy. Minister for making sexist comments told FMN,  “There are a lot of opposition spies watching the Barisan Nasional right now as […]

PM: Malaysia can change by staying the same

Submitted by Small Change Editor,     PUTRAJAYA:  Today the Prime Minister met the press shortly after sending a congratulatory message to President Obama after his recent election victory. “Americans have made the right decision not to change their government,” he said, “voters have chosen to continue to allow President Obama to deliver under the […]

Barisan Nasional kids become rich A-holes

Submitted by Spoilt Rotten Editor,   PUTRAJAYA: The health ministry has set up a strategic task force to study the extreme level of dickish behavior among children of senior Barisan Nasional leaders.  Work, stress and the never-ending commitment to serving the rakyat has taken its toll on these impressionable youngsters who are forced to live […]

Malaysia: The 10th friendliest place on earth!

Submitted by Warm hug editor, KUALA LUMPUR:  The Prime Minister and other Barisan Nasional leaders were thrilled to report this week that Forbes online has ranked Malaysia as the 10th friendliest country in the world after HSBC surveyed thousands of globetrotting expatriates. “We are very proud of this result,” said the Prime Minister, “I think […]

2012 BN protest 2007 BN stupidity

Submitted by; Holy Spelunking Editor,   BATU CAVES: Doldrum Estates Sdn Bhd has been instructed by the PR State Government to stop work on a group of 29 story serviced apartments near the famous Batu Caves temple after concerns that they would obscure the surrounding limestone mountains and desecrate the temple. “We are sworn to […]

Facebook Conversation: The Hobbit

 

MCA: Wish we were as hot as sex bloggers

  Submitted by Online Smut Editor,   JOHOR:  Malaysians have been publicly disgusted and privately aroused checking out the site www.self-sexploitation.com.  Now, after a week in the limelight, the Star Newspaper is facing the harsh reality that the public will soon tire of an offensive young couple sharing their sex lives online, and the newspaper […]

DPM and UAE Minister talk CRAP*

Submitted by FMN FLAE KL:  The Malaysian DPM greeted the arriving UAE CM for Ministry Chiefs, H.E Sheikhn Not Sturhd.  He is visiting today as part of the DGEP.  The DPM met H.E at KLIA and shared a limo destined for the MOFA complex, Wisma Putra to discuss strategy ahead of the October 2012 IAACA […]

Motorists told to speed up near AES cameras

  GOMBAK : Transport Minister Kong Cho Ha has come under criticism for the recent deployment of speed and traffic light cameras under the new Automated Traffic Enforcement System (AES). “This is not profiteering,” Kong told journalists, “but rather than reducing road fatalities by holding Malaysian made cars to international safety standards, we have decided […]

Police seize pornography

Submitted by Contraband editor,       KUALA LUMPUR:  Police have been cracking down on CD and DVD vendors at the Chow kit Pasar Malam this week. Said one DVD seller Hai Ding Ah Beng , “the police gave us several stern warnings then confiscated X-rated films such as,  “Roti man makes house calls”, “Touch […]

Other side a threat to Malaysian unity

Submitted by It’s them or us editor,   CAMPUS:  Prof. Abdul Bin Razak Professor of Social Harmony Studies at the University of Malaya presented details of his new thesis dealing with unifying a racially and politically divided Malaysia. He captivated Students of the social harmony studies course today in a rousing lecture; “Today I wanted […]

Hotel sues Election Commission

  PUTRAJAYA:  The Marriott Hotel is seeking RM45,000 in damages against Suruhanjaya Pilihan Raya Malaysia for their behavior at the recent 2012 SPR Employee Banquet this week. Marriott Hotel General Manager Arshad Bin Far told FMN, “The Election Commission booked the banquet package weeks ago for several hundred guests.  We prepared function halls, food and […]

Foreign cheapskates planning to enslave Malaysians

Submitted by Government Destabilisation Plot Editor,     KUALA LUMPUR: Malaysians have been reeling these past few weeks following revelations that pro-opposition news website Malaysiakini and several Non Government Organizations such as SUARAM, receive funding from sinister foreigners who plan to destabilize the Barisan Nasional government with their unwelcome donations. “It’s always a bad thing when […]