Author: Editor

Prasarana Chair Warns Of Twitter Crackdown On M’sians Not Using Public Transport

    KUALA LUMPUR: In a powerful statement, newly appointed Prasarana Chairperson, Tan Sri Khalid Abu Bakar vowed to pull out all the stops, rounding up Malaysians suspected of not utilising the public transport provider’s convenient LRT, Monorail, Rapid Rail and Rapid Bus services. “Some have questioned the PM’s choice of a retiring inspector-general of […]

White House: Trump Summons PM To Bend The Knee

    WASHINGTON: Officials in Putrajaya have confirmed receiving a diplomatic summons by raven last night from the Hand of US President Donald J. Trump of New York, Son of Fred Trump, Builder of Walls, Protector of the Realm, The Impeachable, Breaker of Oaths, King of Tweets, and Mother of Fuckers, for our Prime Minister […]

Retiring IGP Receives Congratulatory Calls From Well Wishers And Protection Racket Suspects

  KUALA LUMPUR: After announcing his retirement, sources close to Tan Sri Khalid Abu Bakar reported the outgoing Inspector-General of Police was touched by the many family friends who may, or may not be, protection racket suspects who took the time to call and personally wish him ‘all the best’ this morning. “Khalid is a […]

Royal Commission Inquiry Into Flag Blunder Only If Dr M Has CorelDRAW

  PUTRAJAYA: Sources today confirmed the government has not ruled out forming a pre-election Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) to investigate the error in printing the Indonesian flag upside down in the 29th SEA Games souvenir book if Dr. Mahathir has a registered copy of Coreldraw it was revealed today. “The police are keen to […]

Angered By Late Payment, Abu Dhabi Splashes 1MDB Office With Hummus

KUALA LUMPUR:  The nation suffered humiliation in the form of hummus this evening after the offices of 1MDB were attacked by Middle Eastern debt collectors throwing chickpea dip to shame the troubled wealth fund. “Abu Dhabi’s state-owned IPIC fund is furious after 1MDB missed a previously agreed USD600 million payment for joint-guaranteed bonds due to […]

Singapore McDonald’s Introduces ‘Deconstructed’ Nasi Lemak Burger

  DHOBY GAUNT: Singaporean fast food aficionados have been politely queuing up for hours today after local McDonald’s outlets began serving a new dish they are calling the ‘deconstructed nasi lemak burger.’ “The nasi lemak burger sold out in just two weeks,” explained Singapore McDonalds culinary innovations engineer, Guy Hia, “so we asked ourselves, ‘how […]

High-Tech Train Will Get You To A Medieval Public Flogging In 4 Hours

  KUANTAN: At a special ground breaking ceremony, the government recently unveiled an RM55 billion, state of the art, modern, high-tech East Coast Rail Link (ECRL) which will allow urbanites to attend medieval public floggings after traveling only 4 hours. “This modern rail link will allow KL-ites heading into the 21st century to visit their […]

MRT Destruction On Track For 2020 Say Vandals

  KUALA LUMPUR: Today the nation’s public transport vandals said the destruction of the modern, Mass Rapid Transit Corporation (MRT) Sungai Buloh-Kajang Line was well underway and will be completed on schedule and within budget, thanks to their commitment to best demolition practices. “We have our best vandals working the MRT night and day,” explained […]

Youths Protected From Despacito For The Seconds It Takes To Find On YouTube

    PUTRAJAYA:   Last night, Radio Televisyen Malaysia (RTM) ceased all broadcasts of the global smash hit song, Despacito on national TV and radio stations protecting the nation’s youth from its sexually charged themes for the valuable seconds it takes someone to find it on YouTube. “Once the old radio in the kitchen my […]

Thousands Forgive 1MDB Scandal After Riding MRT

    KAJANG: After an enjoyable ride along the new MRT Sungai Buloh-Kajang (SBK) line this morning, thousands of commuters announced they have forgiven Datuk Seri Najib Tun Razak for the multi-billion ringgit 1MDB scandal. “I admit I had misgivings towards the Prime Minister and Barisan Nasional,” said one commuter, “particularly in April when 1MDB […]

Molesting Cardboard Shell Models Completely Normal Say Doll Owners

  TOKYO:   Japanese Hiroki Fook and girlfriend Mayu Lovebot#34578 today defended the Malaysians recently photographed in compromising positions with Shell station cutout models. “My doll is the love of my life so I understand these Malaysian men,” said Hiroki in a statement, “there’s nothing unhealthy about getting intimate with a cardboard cutout.  Who can blame […]

Italy Cuts Ties With M’sia For Crimes Against Natural Order Of Pizza

  ROME:  In a formal statement, Italy ended diplomatic ties with Malaysia this afternoon after a viral image of a ‘pizza tougeh’ was classified a crime against the natural order of pizza. .   A spokesman for Italy’s international diplomacy Pizza sanctity task-force Mario Tagliatelle said in a statement, “for many years we have quietly […]

Dudes Who Can’t Pick Own Leader Controlling US Justice System

  KUALA LUMPUR: Today sources close to Attorney-General Tan Sri Mohamed Apandi Ali confirmed the Justice Department of an overseas super power had been compromised by a Malaysian opposition yet to finalise their own Prime Ministerial candidate. “The AG believes the politically motivated 1MDB kleptocracy civil lawsuit is based on facts given to them by […]

DoJ Begs Viewers To Stop Returning ‘Dumb And Dumber To’ DVDs

WASHINGTON:  The U.S. Justice Department in a public statement today said there was no need for victims who had suffered through the poorly received, Red Granite produced, ‘Dumb and Dumber Too’ movie to hand their DVDs over to US prosecutors. “The DoJ is thankful to Miranda Kerr and Leonardo Dicaprio for returning jewelry and gifts […]

N. Korea Backs Hadi – Agree Only Nationals Can Investigate Crimes Committed Abroad

  PYONGYANG:  PAS president Datuk Seri Abdul Hadi Awang who recently urged foreign powers not to meddle in Malaysia’s 1MDB even if it involved nationals committing crimes in their own foreign countries, found unlikely support today in the form of a mandatory-to-watch 1:00pm special broadcast on North Korean state television. “The Democratic People’s Republic of […]

RCI to probe 80s BNM losses now, 1MDB in 2047

  PUTRAJAYA:  Today Malaysia’s Cabinet confirmed it will set up a Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) to probe Bank Negara Malaysia’s (BNM) 1980s Forex losses immediately, whilst reminding the public 1MDB is not due to be investigated until 2047. “These billion ringgit scandal investigations need to be scheduled to a time where they can do […]

If Only Her VISA Card Was Fake Too, Nazri Says

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Sources close to Tourism and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Nazri Aziz confirmed today the viral image of his wife’s official-looking Tourism Ministry ‘Spouse-Minister’ business card was a fake . “Nazri initially got his hopes up when he heard his young wife had a fake card,” explained a Tourism Ministry official, “but sadly […]

New SPAD Chair Isa Samad Announces Major Investment In Fidget Spinners

  KUALA LUMPUR:  Tan Sri Isa Samad wasted no time after assuming the Chairmanship of The Land Public Transport Commission (SPAD) today, by announcing the Commission would be investing heavily to corner the lucrative global Fidget Spinner market. “Felda Global Ventures lost RM13.4 Billion in shareholder value after RM850million worth of questionable money-losing ventures including an […]

GST U-Turn: Govt Spares Elites Who Eat Long Beans

  NATION: ‘The masses’ as identified by Customs Department director-general Subramaniam Tholasy rejoiced today, after the government announced it will not be adding GST to 60 food items and cracking down on tax-avoiding consumers of luxuries such as tea, coffee, kuey teow, and bihun. “We initially thought those spinach and potato eating, Malaysian elites have […]

Tourist Tax Needed To Boost Industry Hit By Tourist Tax

  PUTRAJAYA:   Today experts confirmed the new Tourist Tax imposed on hotel stays is essential if the government wants to boost the travel industry which may suffer a setback from its introduction. “The Tourist Tax revenue collected will be spent on a special international advertising campaign to entice holidaymakers headed elsewhere to reconsider and pay […]