Author: Editor

How About We Come To Your Work To Only Walk In Aircon? Yell Struggling Mall Operators

KLANG VALLEY: Today the nation’s shopping mall operators vented their frustrations at the fact retail footfall traffic is better than ever despite falling retail sales. “So you like come to the mall to cuci mata issit?” yelled Mid Valley Retail Analyst, Wai Yu Hia, “how about we come to your place of business to only […]

MACC Chief Accused Of Doing To Mistress What Graft Is Doing To Nation

PUTRAJAYA: Today sources close to Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) chief commissioner Tan Sri Dzulkifli Ahmad confirmed the rumours he was doing to his mistress what corruption has been doing to the rakyat. “Clearly this smear campaign against Dzulkifli is aimed at stopping his good work fighting graft. Do we really need to know what consenting […]

18 Years Old Enough For Army But Too Young For Polling Booth

MALAYSIA: Today democratic experts hailed the nation’s current policy of allowing 18-year-olds to voluntarily join the armed forces and use firearms on the understanding they were too young to go into a GE14 polling booth. “The right to vote is something precious, and sacred,” said government democracy spokesman, Abdullah bin Bakar, “the 1.5 million Malaysians […]

M’sia Very Liveable Says Expat On RM40K Monthly Salary

NATION: Malaysians struggling to make ends meet had their spirits lifted this week after an InterNations report confirmed expatriates earning RM40K a month or more somehow found the country one of the world’s best places to live. “Wow, according to the report, ‘ease of settling’ in KL has risen from 18th to 5th best in […]

Man Who Made Fake Infant Formula Says Afterlife Warmer Than Expected

THE OTHER SIDE: Today a man who until recently made counterfeit infant formula confirmed the afterlife seemed ‘much warmer’ than he expected after suffering a heart attack over the weekend. “It all happened so suddenly,” the man confirmed, “one minute I was using melamine to make fake baby powder which causes illness, malnourishment or even […]

Scheme To Protect Pilgrims From Umrah Scams An Umrah Scam

PUTRAJAYA: Today the government lauded the Integrated Manasik Monitoring System (IMAMS) which successfully protected pilgrims from Umrah middlemen and scam artists after the system promptly identified itself as a Umrah middleman scam artist before self-destructing after only 24 hours of operations. “The IMAMS system successfully protected vulnerable pilgrims from being scammed out of RM90 which […]

Stop Talking Politics Or We’ll Start Singing, Artistes Warned

KUALA LUMPUR: Malaysian entertainers like iconic singer Sheila Majid who recently tweeted about the rising costs of living have been warned if they insist on meddling in politics, Malaysian MPs will retaliate by releasing cover versions of their most famous songs. “Do audiences and Sheila herself really want Ku Nan or Shahrizat singing renditions of […]

Artists Exhibit Pakatan GE14 Victory Hellscapes At Umno Assembly

KUALA LUMPUR: Local artists have unveiled a new exhibition at the entrance of the Umno General Assembly today giving delegates a taste of what awaits the nation should the DAP-lead Pakatan Harapan coalition succeed in toppling BN at the next General Election. “Many in the pro-government artistic community felt yesterday’s cartoons didn’t go far enough […]

Govt Asks Robert Kuok For 30% Share Of Memoir Profits

HONG KONG: With copies of Robert Kuok’s memoir reportedly selling out across Asia, Malaysian officials have requested the 94-year-old tycoon allocate a share of the book’s proceeds to the government. “We initially had no plans to take a 30% share of the book,” Malaysian International Trade and Biography spokesman, Abdullah Abu Bakar confessed, “but the […]

Tony Fernandes Bachelorhood Departs On Schedule

  COTE D’AZUR: The bachelorhood of AirAsia boss Tan Sri Tony Fernandes departed on time today in a touching ceremony. “Guests were admitted to the quiet celebration in order of their seating rows and after a quick safety briefing, Tony’s bachelorhood took off without any problems,” said one eyewitness. The newlyweds were reportedly very satisfied […]

Strong Robust Economy Will Completely Collapse If Criticised

KUALA LUMPUR: Economic experts agreeing with Minister in the Prime Minister’s Department Datuk Seri Abdul Rahman Dahlan confirmed even though the rock-solid Malaysian Economy is robust and built on sound fundamentals, it could totally collapse if criticised by irresponsible media outlets like the Malaysian Insight and Edge Weekly. “The Malaysian economy is like a turtle. […]

Fake Dentist Ready To Give Brain Surgery A Go

  PETALING JAYA: Self-taught 20-year-old dentist, Nur Farahanis Ezatty Adli or “Naraswaraa” on Instagram, confirmed after her prison release today, that she was ready to move on from orthodontics, and would like to try her hand at brain surgery. “Nara spent last night watching YouTube biopsy and craniotomy procedures along with that Season 3 Episode […]

N. Korean Tourism Left Reeling After All 3 M’sians Cancel Holidays

PYONGYANG:  North Korea’s world-class tourism industry suffered a crippling blow today after news broke Malaysia’s Ministry of Foreign Affairs issued a travel ban in response to escalating international tensions. “We are disappointed to learn all three Malaysian tourists planning holidays have canceled,” said North Korean People’s Army Tourism Liaison General, Kim Dong-gil. “Our Kuala Lumpur […]

Fears Muslim-Only Laundries Spark Non-Muslim Beeromats

JOHOR:  Today religious authorities slammed a local Muslim only self-service laundromat warning if Malaysians were segregated along washing lines, there could be serious implications. “The sentiments between races in Malaysia is very (gentle spin for your) delicates,” explained front-loader tolerance analyst, Dr. Abdullah Bin Bakar, “If (permanent) pressed, Muslims could fall for this divisive spin […]

Immigration Officials Install Checkpoint Gay Scanners

BALIK PULAU:  Immigration authorities are on high alert this week after news broke of an illegal gay party scheduled for later this week. “We are using high-tech Gaydar screening devices at all Malaysian entry points to intercept homosexuals before they can enter the country,” an Immigration Dept spokesman explained, “Airports have upgraded existing facial recognition […]

Realistic Male Sex Robot Rolls Over And Goes To Sleep After 2 Minutes

BUTTERWORTH: Local tech startup Hia Today Bhd, unveiled Malaysia’s entry into the burgeoning love doll industry today with the release of a hyper-realistic male sex robot designed to make its users feel the pleasures of having a man in their lives. “The him-bot X300 or ‘Stephen’ as we like to call him, is based on […]

Citizen Liow Slams MCA Beer Fest Backdown

PETALING JAYA:   Today enraged YouTube celebrity ‘Citizen Liow’ slammed MCA politicians for not doing enough to defend his rights following the cancellation of the 2017 Better Beer Festival. “Weeks ago some politician came into my house and after helping himself to coffee told me to believe in Malaysia,” ranted ‘Citizen Liow’ hurling his trademark White […]

RM69.6mil Jackpot Winner Still Saying iPhone X Too Expensive

  PENANG: The winner of a RM69.6mil jackpot, the largest ever in Malaysia’s history has admitted he still can’t bring himself to purchase the iPhone X when it comes out later this year. “Who can justify spending over RM5,000 on a smartphone?” the 40-year-old millionaire said furiously, “For what? An OLED screen, face ID, wireless […]

There’s No Compulsion In Beer

KUALA LUMPUR: In the wake of the DBKL decision to cancel the annual Better Beer Festival, experts have reminded authorities there is no compulsion in beer. “When it comes to embracing craft beer, there can be no forcing anyone to spend over RM20 ringgit on a Pilsner, Lager, Pale Ale, Brown Ale, Amber Ale, Stout, […]

PM Arrives For Trump Talks Sporting Bold New Look

  WASHINGTON: Arriving ahead of his first official meeting with Donald Trump since he became President, diplomatic officials close to Najib Razak confirmed the Malaysian PM will be showcasing a bold new look demonstrating his government’s commitment to boosting ties with the United States. “Najib spent most of the flight onboard ‘NR1’ prepping for his […]