Published On: Mon, Mar 23rd, 2015

Lee Kuan Yew Bans Gum, Introduces NS, and Economically Transforms Heaven

Lee Kuan Yew

HEAVEN:   Mere hours after passing through the pearly gates this morning, Singapore’s founding father, Mentor Minister Lee Kuan Yew rolled up his sleeves and transformed Heaven from a celestial backwater into a trans-dimensional economic powerhouse.

“The moment he arrived he was enforcing cleanliness, eliminating corruption and attracting massive wealth and investment into our realm,” said a heavenly being, “he also increased Heaven’s size with his ambitious cloud reclamation programme!”

“Mr Lee Kwan Yew also introduced compulsory National Service to defend Heaven, strict punishment for those who spit or chew gum, and HDB (Heavenly Development  Board) homes for everyone!” said a celestial resident “he really is an extraordinary man and we’re delighted to have him up here!”

 

CNN mistakenly believed Lee Kwan Yew had gone to Heaven last week, after a vision of the great leader appeared in a Bujis Junction, Toastbox.

CNN mistakenly believed Lee Kwan Yew had gone to Heaven last week, after a vision of the great leader appeared in a Bujis Junction, Toastbox.

LKY says there will be casinos in Heaven, though sadly locals will still have to pay to enter.

LKY says there will be casinos in Heaven, though sadly locals will still have to pay to enter.

 

LKW did pass on a message of hope to his mourning people.  “Don’t worry about me my dear Singaporeans, I am in a better, less expensive place.  So please, work and study hard, always vote PAP,  push to the back of the MRT, and queue patiently for that thing you want at the mall.”

“If life ever gets you down, take comfort remembering Singapore will always be safer, cleaner and richer than Malaysia!”

In closing, Lee Kuan Yew warned he will send lightning and rain to any Singaporeans planning overseas holidays during the upcoming S50 long weekend, so may as well celebrate at home leh.

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