Submitted by Secret Agent Editor,
WASHINGTON: Diplomatic relations between the United States and Malaysia has been strained this week after the US revealed evidence that Malaysian operatives were spying within its borders. The Malaysian ambassador to the US has been called to the White House to explain the matter.
“These reported cases of Malaysian spying go beyond what we would consider to be healthy diplomatic relations,” A spokesman for the US foreign secretary told FMN, “Covert techniques such as phone tapping, cyber attacks and email tracking have been traced to the highest levels of Malaysian government. American ‘soft targets’ such as Bloomingdale’s, Rolex, Prada and Jacob & Co fine jewelers are under constant Malaysian surveillance for the purposes of tactical shopping operations.”
Ms Anna Conda Store Manager for the New York Hermès Madison Avenue boutique recounted a recent spying incident, “We planned a secret VIP launch of our summer collection for a handful of private collectors. We didn’t tell anyone about it. Not the Russians, the Chinese or the Saudis, but on the day the stock arrives, someone who claimed to be a Malaysian ‘shopping agent’ swooped in and purchased our entire stock of Birkin handbags. I assume Malaysian intelligence hacked our internal emails or bugged my phone. I have heard of a few Fifth Avenue boutiques reporting similar experiences”
Federal Bureau Investigator ‘Mr X’ explained, “We know only a little about these Malaysian operatives because so many luxury boutiques have been sworn to secrecy. The bureau has identified one key operative, a distinct big haired rotund figure who we code-named ‘Blimp Troll.’ Blimp Troll’s modus operandi is to meet with exclusive jewelers in a presidential suite at The Waldorf Astoria presumably to buy diamonds.”
“Americans should not be concerned about these secret shopping missions.” said the Malaysian Minister for Overseas Technical Tours in a statement, “This surveillance conducted in America is part of a secret global shopping operation and a common practice among Barisan Nasional leaders. Malaysian crony companies are often so grateful after receiving large government contracts, they force large political donations into the carry on luggage of reluctant Malaysian leaders traveling abroad. We faithful servants of the people have no choice but to convert these huge donations into high-end luxury goods to bring back to Malaysia. Through our intelligence, we try to get the best deals and latest couture as it’s our duty to spend the people’s money wisely. We would hope that America continues to keep the details of these shopping trips secret to ensure harmonious relations between our two nations. Otherwise we might be forced to do our shopping in London instead!”