Submitted by Lavender Scented Bliss Editor,
PETALING JAYA: The Malaysian Anti-Corruption Commission (MACC) has come under fire in recent years for their heavy-handed interrogation tactics. Today the independent watchdog that reports to the Prime Minister’s department is trying a new approach to eliminate graft and uphold the law.
One suspect said, “I was at the questioning spa for two hours and MACC don’t let up until you crack under pressure. Something really clicked in my spine when this petite girl walked on me during my shiatsu massage, but I have to say I felt 10 years younger after the treatment. Fortunately under section 23 of the MACC Act its not an offence to award contracts to family members so it’s no problem that my brothers are millionaires. It’s all perfectly legal.”
“To be honest, I wasn’t expecting the MACC today,” said the administrator of a government programme for the poor, “they dragged me in here for a real grilling. Grilled prawns, chicken and steak, though to be honest the ayam bakar was a little dry for my taste. I’m looking forward to more investigative pampering after lunch!”
A politician going for his third anti corruption session for the month told FMN, “Before my hot stone treatment and seaweed wrap, the MACC questioner asked why I was recently detained at Hong Kong airport carrying US$500k in cash. I explained it was a harmless UMNO political donation I was popping into my personal offshore account for safekeeping. We had a good laugh over the misunderstanding. No corruption here. After a delicious green tea berry frappuccino and pedicure, the MACC limo took me back to my humble 50,000sq foot Damansara home.”
But not everyone welcomes this type of questioning. An anonymous Sarawak Chief Minister told FMN, “The MACC is very naughty in their investigations, I definitely tipped my massage girl for ‘full service’ and I only got a little extra ‘under the towel action’ if you know what I mean. They’re also pretty heavy-handed with the lavender oil and my skin broke out in an allergic reaction. I wont be cooperating with MACC again, regardless of how much video evidence they have against me.”
“There are still those who insist on traditional corruption interrogation techniques,” admitted a MACC spokesman, “typically these are opposition members and supporters that prefer to be questioned on the upper floors of buildings late at night near open windows where no CCTV cameras are working. So yes we still do ‘old school’ for these special cases but we have to be flexible. During the National Feedlot investigation we did some off site questioning at a luxury condominium in Singapore owned by the NFC Chairman.”
“Unless we keep detainees comfortable and relaxed, we wont get the information we need to give the public the impression we are doing our jobs. But to be honest many of these people are already very comfortable indeed.”