Submitted by: Close Encounters Editor
KUALA LUMPUR: Assal Bin Dun, leader of the Malaysia Undercover Police Probing Extraterrestrial Things (MUPPET) squad, presented inquiry findings to Parliament this week.
The report concluded that numerous DAP, PKR and PAS members had been consumed by body snatching slime aliens determined to overthrow the government. The recent street protests are the start of a cosmic annihilation wave should the BN government fall in the upcoming general election.
Assal said when interviewed, “What first alerted me to the possibility of an extraterrestrial invasion, was Nurul Izzah’s obsession with the KLIA2 air traffic control system. We believe an alien life form disguised as Nurul is clearing way for an invading intergalactic fleet.”
“Then I saw the movie ‘Signs’ on Astro and learned Aliens could be killed by water. That explains why Tony Pua and the DAP are trying to wrest control of SYABAS from Putrajaya to stop us humans from defending ourselves.”
“Space beings also conduct ‘opposition leader style’ anal probes on their test subjects. We believe the first extraterrestrials made contact this way in 1997 and have since penetrated deep into opposition ranks.”
“The last thing we need,” said Isa Cendol another MUPPET member, “are oppressive overlords censoring media communications, exploiting natural resources for personal benefit, and controlling people through oppression and fear. Ah… unlike we have today.”
FMN asked an ABU spokesman if the alien menace would affect the movement. He explained, “Anything But Umno means Anything But Umno. I’d happily vote for a green burbur cha-cha creature instead of the scumbags running this country! They are probably just peaceful spacemen anyway. We need to be tolerant of people different to ourselves and not fall for this type of scare mongering. The biggest proof these Aliens are intelligent, is they have deliberately not bothered to contact the federal government.”